Weigh-in and... I'm tired.

First the nitty-gritty:

Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 284.4
Net Loss: +3.1
Loss-to-Date: -5.9

This is going to be short. I'm so angry/sad/upset/hurt/flabbergasted that I could spit. I'm so tired of this. I had a fairly decent week (or so I thought), and then this happens. I went into this weigh-in thinking that I could've possibly gotten out of the 280s once and for all... but nope. How about we jump three pounds further into them?

I want to give up so badly. I'm so tired of this heartache... I'm tired of thinking I did well only to see this pop up on the scale. I'm tired of seeing how easy it comes for other people and knowing that I'll never have it that easy. I'm tired of trying one new thing here and another new thing there to try and get myself straight either to only fail at trying or to succeed but have it make no difference. 

I'm tired of being afraid of my weight. I'm tired of living every day waiting for the other foot to drop on my health and to suddenly not be okay anymore. I'm 29 years old but I live in daily fear of a heart attack (even though my blood pressure and cholesterol are okay, for the most part) because I know I'm doing myself no favors. I'm tired of the fear of not waking up in the morning and telling Derek three I love him three extra times before we fall asleep just in case I don't see another day with him. I'm tired of the fact that despite how irrational these fears sound, there's an element of truth to them that keeps me from being able to talk some sense into myself. 

I'm so tired.

If I could just see a few consecutive weeks of weight loss, no matter how small, just to prove to myself that I'm doing something right... I think I would feel better. But I don't. I gain, then lose, then gain, then lose, then gain real big, then lose real little. 

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have a doctor's appointment next Friday to check my blood pressure (the last time I was there she wanted me to come back in a few months to re-check it, because it was a little high but she was chalking it up to nerves), and while I'm at it I'm going to ask about upping my Metformin dosage again. I'm also going to see if I can get her to tell me one way or the other how healthy/unhealthy I am right now... it might put my mind at ease to know that while yes, I'm obese, and yes, I'm at risk for a lot of things, I am not going to die of a heart attack before my 30th birthday. 

I'm so tired.