First the nitty-gritty:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 284.4
Net Loss: +3.1
Loss-to-Date: -5.9
This is going to be short. I'm so angry/sad/upset/hurt/flabbergasted that I could spit. I'm so tired of this. I had a fairly decent week (or so I thought), and then this happens. I went into this weigh-in thinking that I could've possibly gotten out of the 280s once and for all... but nope. How about we jump three pounds further into them?
I want to give up so badly. I'm so tired of this heartache... I'm tired of thinking I did well only to see this pop up on the scale. I'm tired of seeing how easy it comes for other people and knowing that I'll never have it that easy. I'm tired of trying one new thing here and another new thing there to try and get myself straight either to only fail at trying or to succeed but have it make no difference.
I'm tired of being afraid of my weight. I'm tired of living every day waiting for the other foot to drop on my health and to suddenly not be okay anymore. I'm 29 years old but I live in daily fear of a heart attack (even though my blood pressure and cholesterol are okay, for the most part) because I know I'm doing myself no favors. I'm tired of the fear of not waking up in the morning and telling Derek three I love him three extra times before we fall asleep just in case I don't see another day with him. I'm tired of the fact that despite how irrational these fears sound, there's an element of truth to them that keeps me from being able to talk some sense into myself.
I'm so tired.
If I could just see a few consecutive weeks of weight loss, no matter how small, just to prove to myself that I'm doing something right... I think I would feel better. But I don't. I gain, then lose, then gain, then lose, then gain real big, then lose real little.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have a doctor's appointment next Friday to check my blood pressure (the last time I was there she wanted me to come back in a few months to re-check it, because it was a little high but she was chalking it up to nerves), and while I'm at it I'm going to ask about upping my Metformin dosage again. I'm also going to see if I can get her to tell me one way or the other how healthy/unhealthy I am right now... it might put my mind at ease to know that while yes, I'm obese, and yes, I'm at risk for a lot of things, I am not going to die of a heart attack before my 30th birthday.
I'm so tired.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Weigh-in and DUN DUN DUN -- I'm cutting back carbs.
I'm a week behind, so let's catch up:
May 11th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 282.2
Net Loss: +0.9
Loss-to-Date: -8.1
This week, May 18th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
If this week's weigh-in looks familiar, it's because it's exactly the same as two weeks ago. Yep, I went from 282.2 to 281.3, back to 282.2, and then back to 281.3. Last week I was a little under the weather and then had some other stuff going on and just couldn't get in the right headspace to write an entry.
This week... still not sure what to say but I'm annoyed as all get out about this yo-yoing. Yeah, I guess I am happy that it was a loss this week instead of another gain, but UGH could I please just get out of the 280s already? I would feel SO much better about myself if I could just break into the 270s. I was 277 when I got back into Weight Watchers in 2008... it would go a long way to at least be back where I started and not like, 15 pounds heavier.
Not sure what to attribute my success/failure of the past two weeks to. I haven't had a whole lot of bad food, but I haven't exactly overloaded on the good food either. I've really fallen off the wagon with tracking Points+ on WW... I'm contemplating whether I should keep doing it or switch to something easier like counting calories. On one hand, there's so much more that goes into eating healthfully than just calories; on the other hand, there's nothing simpler than the old mantra of "calories in vs. calories out", and a lot of people that I've spoken to seem to see value in just tracking calories. What do you all think?
Derek and I have also started trying to follow Bob Harper's Skinny Rules. I love Bob -- he's always been my favorite trainer on The Biggest Loser. He's always seemed to be a soft hardass, if that makes any sense. I mean, he knows his stuff, and he sees through everyone's excuses and forces you to challenge yourself, but he seems to accept that it isn't easy more than other popular celebrity trainers, including Jillian Michaels. In the Skinny Rules book, he really breaks everything down and explains why each rule is worth following, but understands that for someone like a typical contestant on TBL, it's difficult to make those kinds of changes overnight, and in some cases gives advice on how to 'step down' to make it a more sustainable lifestyle change. I really appreciate that. One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to getting healthy has always been trainers who are already fit and healthy and don't understand that it's not as easy for someone like me with a significant amount of weight to lose to just change all of their habits overnight. That's one of the things I don't like about Jillian Michaels, actually -- she actually was overweight once, and clearly is in shape now, but she's far too rigid for my tastes and typically ends up just screaming at her trainees. That just doesn't work for me.
While I'm on the subject of personal trainers, I'm remembering another experience I've had that soured me on the idea of paying someone to help me get fit -- several years ago (2008ish), a friend and I joined a local gym. The friend had had some success with a trainer years before, so she decided to sign up for one at this gym. I adamantly refused; I didn't want someone judging me and telling me what to do -- I needed to ease into it and go at my own pace. When my friend and I would go to the gym, she would spend 30 minutes with her trainer while I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then we'd spend another 30 minutes together doing strength training. I remember this one time, my friend, who had been going through a bit of a plateau phase and was having trouble breaking it, mentioned that her trainer suggested that I might be holding her back; that me not having a trainer was somehow keeping my friend from succeeding. Thankfully, my friend stood up for me and informed her trainer that I had actually been steadily losing weight (those were the days!), had my shit together, and wasn't plateauing like she was, so I certainly wasn't holding her back. (Later, after we both were plateauing or gaining, we did come to the conclusion that we were enabling each other and went our separate ways as far as our weight-loss journeys go, though we're still the best of friends!) This really soured me on personal training because it just seemed clear to me that no matter what I was doing, in the eyes of my trainer it wasn't going to be good enough, and I was just going to be judged. The bottom line is that I know my body. Yes, I fully admit that I don't always push myself to the outermost edge of my limits, but I know what I am and am not capable of, and what will and won't motivate me. As such, I'm not going to pay someone to tell me I'm out of shape, overweight, and need to overhaul my life. Any guidance I need can be gotten for free on the internet, thankyouverymuch.
Anyway, so back to these Skinny Rules. They're all pretty common sense, actually (especially for someone like me who is a virtual encyclopedia on how to be healthy -- even though I can't manage to actually practice what I preach), but Bob does a great job on explaining it and dumbing it down so that you really can't argue with what he's telling you to do. The toughest rule for Derek and I, so far, is eliminating carb intake after lunch. You want me to do WHAT now!? Not even healthy carbs?! (Nope, not even healthy carbs.) This one will take some time to settle into. I did buy some quinoa (which I haven't cooked in a LONG time) and some farro (which is totally mysterious to me but Bob swears by it), so at least my lunches will be interesting. I hope.
Some of the other more doable rules, like drinking a big glass of water before every meal/snack, and not drinking your calories, are much easier for us so we're chugging right along (get it? chugging? like a beverage? Bahaha, I'm a hoot!) with those.
I'm also trying to reach out to more PCOS sufferers (which I've been doing with the help of Reddit) for some ideas of what has helped them. The general consensus has been cutting out or waaaaaaaaaay back on carbs. Awesome. Have they met me? I guess I'll have to give it a try after all. Just not today, because I made a batch of yummy, healthy-ish pasta salad and I don't want it to go to waste (or to waist, for that matter... I crack me up!). The tough part, honestly, is going to be cutting back on fruit intake a bit too because even though it's a simple carb, it's still a carb. But I'm going to do my best. My first task will be to eliminate the bad carbs -- white potatoes, white pasta, etc; then I'll move to cutting back/out the better carbs. We'll see where that gets me, shall we?
Wish me luck! (For any of you who interact with me in person on a regular basis -- I apologize in advance if my lack of carbs makes me cranky!)
May 11th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 282.2
Net Loss: +0.9
Loss-to-Date: -8.1
This week, May 18th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
If this week's weigh-in looks familiar, it's because it's exactly the same as two weeks ago. Yep, I went from 282.2 to 281.3, back to 282.2, and then back to 281.3. Last week I was a little under the weather and then had some other stuff going on and just couldn't get in the right headspace to write an entry.
This week... still not sure what to say but I'm annoyed as all get out about this yo-yoing. Yeah, I guess I am happy that it was a loss this week instead of another gain, but UGH could I please just get out of the 280s already? I would feel SO much better about myself if I could just break into the 270s. I was 277 when I got back into Weight Watchers in 2008... it would go a long way to at least be back where I started and not like, 15 pounds heavier.
Not sure what to attribute my success/failure of the past two weeks to. I haven't had a whole lot of bad food, but I haven't exactly overloaded on the good food either. I've really fallen off the wagon with tracking Points+ on WW... I'm contemplating whether I should keep doing it or switch to something easier like counting calories. On one hand, there's so much more that goes into eating healthfully than just calories; on the other hand, there's nothing simpler than the old mantra of "calories in vs. calories out", and a lot of people that I've spoken to seem to see value in just tracking calories. What do you all think?
Derek and I have also started trying to follow Bob Harper's Skinny Rules. I love Bob -- he's always been my favorite trainer on The Biggest Loser. He's always seemed to be a soft hardass, if that makes any sense. I mean, he knows his stuff, and he sees through everyone's excuses and forces you to challenge yourself, but he seems to accept that it isn't easy more than other popular celebrity trainers, including Jillian Michaels. In the Skinny Rules book, he really breaks everything down and explains why each rule is worth following, but understands that for someone like a typical contestant on TBL, it's difficult to make those kinds of changes overnight, and in some cases gives advice on how to 'step down' to make it a more sustainable lifestyle change. I really appreciate that. One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to getting healthy has always been trainers who are already fit and healthy and don't understand that it's not as easy for someone like me with a significant amount of weight to lose to just change all of their habits overnight. That's one of the things I don't like about Jillian Michaels, actually -- she actually was overweight once, and clearly is in shape now, but she's far too rigid for my tastes and typically ends up just screaming at her trainees. That just doesn't work for me.
While I'm on the subject of personal trainers, I'm remembering another experience I've had that soured me on the idea of paying someone to help me get fit -- several years ago (2008ish), a friend and I joined a local gym. The friend had had some success with a trainer years before, so she decided to sign up for one at this gym. I adamantly refused; I didn't want someone judging me and telling me what to do -- I needed to ease into it and go at my own pace. When my friend and I would go to the gym, she would spend 30 minutes with her trainer while I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then we'd spend another 30 minutes together doing strength training. I remember this one time, my friend, who had been going through a bit of a plateau phase and was having trouble breaking it, mentioned that her trainer suggested that I might be holding her back; that me not having a trainer was somehow keeping my friend from succeeding. Thankfully, my friend stood up for me and informed her trainer that I had actually been steadily losing weight (those were the days!), had my shit together, and wasn't plateauing like she was, so I certainly wasn't holding her back. (Later, after we both were plateauing or gaining, we did come to the conclusion that we were enabling each other and went our separate ways as far as our weight-loss journeys go, though we're still the best of friends!) This really soured me on personal training because it just seemed clear to me that no matter what I was doing, in the eyes of my trainer it wasn't going to be good enough, and I was just going to be judged. The bottom line is that I know my body. Yes, I fully admit that I don't always push myself to the outermost edge of my limits, but I know what I am and am not capable of, and what will and won't motivate me. As such, I'm not going to pay someone to tell me I'm out of shape, overweight, and need to overhaul my life. Any guidance I need can be gotten for free on the internet, thankyouverymuch.
Anyway, so back to these Skinny Rules. They're all pretty common sense, actually (especially for someone like me who is a virtual encyclopedia on how to be healthy -- even though I can't manage to actually practice what I preach), but Bob does a great job on explaining it and dumbing it down so that you really can't argue with what he's telling you to do. The toughest rule for Derek and I, so far, is eliminating carb intake after lunch. You want me to do WHAT now!? Not even healthy carbs?! (Nope, not even healthy carbs.) This one will take some time to settle into. I did buy some quinoa (which I haven't cooked in a LONG time) and some farro (which is totally mysterious to me but Bob swears by it), so at least my lunches will be interesting. I hope.
Some of the other more doable rules, like drinking a big glass of water before every meal/snack, and not drinking your calories, are much easier for us so we're chugging right along (get it? chugging? like a beverage? Bahaha, I'm a hoot!) with those.
I'm also trying to reach out to more PCOS sufferers (which I've been doing with the help of Reddit) for some ideas of what has helped them. The general consensus has been cutting out or waaaaaaaaaay back on carbs. Awesome. Have they met me? I guess I'll have to give it a try after all. Just not today, because I made a batch of yummy, healthy-ish pasta salad and I don't want it to go to waste (or to waist, for that matter... I crack me up!). The tough part, honestly, is going to be cutting back on fruit intake a bit too because even though it's a simple carb, it's still a carb. But I'm going to do my best. My first task will be to eliminate the bad carbs -- white potatoes, white pasta, etc; then I'll move to cutting back/out the better carbs. We'll see where that gets me, shall we?
Wish me luck! (For any of you who interact with me in person on a regular basis -- I apologize in advance if my lack of carbs makes me cranky!)
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Weigh-in and Getting Lazy
So this week...
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
So... I'm torn. On one hand, it would've been nice to see a higher number; on the other hand, I didn't deserve a higher number this week.
Derek and I got really lazy this week. We cooked on Monday and Tuesday but the rest of week we kinda... well... failed. Wednesday we had chinese food, Thursday we made BLTs and sweet potato fries (which I don't really count as cooking), and last night we had Chipotle (because I wasn't sure what my mouth could handle -- more on that in a second). I could wax poetic about how I don't know what happened, or cry about being frustrated, but there's really nothing I can say that makes sense here except that we got lazy and we'll do better this coming week.
Yesterday, as you probably saw on Facebook, I had a dental appointment. I was supposed to be getting a root canal for the tooth that broke on my honeymoon and I was preeeeeetty freakin' nervous about it. I'd never had one before and I had no idea what to expect. The dental assistant in the office swore that it wouldn't really hurt, especially since I wasn't already in pain, and I tried to believe her, but then I kept hearing and reading stories about people being in excruciating pain afterward. To top it off, my 15 year old niece had a root canal on Wednesday and based on her Facebook statuses, she wasn't feeling particularly great herself. I was a little bit of a wreck. But, I sucked it up and went, and lo and behold, I didn't actually need the root canal. The dentist started filing away (*shudder*) at the decay that was there and it didn't go down as far as he thought -- it hadn't reached my nerve, so there was no point in doing the root canal. However, he had just filed away a part of my tooth (in addition to the part that had already broken off), so he decided to go straight for the crown... the dental crown, that is. Forty-five minutes later, I became the proud (and sore) owner of a temporary crown... I go back in about a month for the permanent one... and a few fillings that I didn't know I needed. (The other dentist in the office, who I had initially seen, suggested that the few cavities I had were very small and not deep enough to fill yet so he was going to try to get them to heal themselves with fluoride... I've been using a fluoride mouthwash every day to try to get that to happen. That dentist has since retired, so the other dentist is taking over and apparently has a different idea. Bleh.). Now I get to spend the next month panicking about how bad THAT is going to hurt. :-\
Anyway, yesterday when I got home, I was okay for a little while because I was still mostly numb, but around 4:30 I went to CVS to fill the prescription for prescription-strength Aleve (essentially) and it started to hurt so bad I couldn't stand the thought of standing around for 20 minutes to wait for it to be filled. I came home, and Derek picked it up on his way home from work. I took a handful of ibuprofen in the meantime and didn't really get any relief until about 8:30ish. BOO. Dinner, as a result, was a tough call... and I opted for something I could take small bites of that was pretty soft -- a meatless burrito bowl from Chipotle. I couldn't get through it all, but I did get enough to not make me hate life and my stomach. I laid low for the rest of the evening, and I did manage to sleep okay, even after the ibuprofen wore off, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm still at a dull roar this morning but I'm about to take my first dose of the prescription so we'll see how that goes!
Aside from that, that's all I've got this week. No weight-loss revelations, just the usual renewed motivation to start over and do it better.
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
So... I'm torn. On one hand, it would've been nice to see a higher number; on the other hand, I didn't deserve a higher number this week.
Derek and I got really lazy this week. We cooked on Monday and Tuesday but the rest of week we kinda... well... failed. Wednesday we had chinese food, Thursday we made BLTs and sweet potato fries (which I don't really count as cooking), and last night we had Chipotle (because I wasn't sure what my mouth could handle -- more on that in a second). I could wax poetic about how I don't know what happened, or cry about being frustrated, but there's really nothing I can say that makes sense here except that we got lazy and we'll do better this coming week.
Yesterday, as you probably saw on Facebook, I had a dental appointment. I was supposed to be getting a root canal for the tooth that broke on my honeymoon and I was preeeeeetty freakin' nervous about it. I'd never had one before and I had no idea what to expect. The dental assistant in the office swore that it wouldn't really hurt, especially since I wasn't already in pain, and I tried to believe her, but then I kept hearing and reading stories about people being in excruciating pain afterward. To top it off, my 15 year old niece had a root canal on Wednesday and based on her Facebook statuses, she wasn't feeling particularly great herself. I was a little bit of a wreck. But, I sucked it up and went, and lo and behold, I didn't actually need the root canal. The dentist started filing away (*shudder*) at the decay that was there and it didn't go down as far as he thought -- it hadn't reached my nerve, so there was no point in doing the root canal. However, he had just filed away a part of my tooth (in addition to the part that had already broken off), so he decided to go straight for the crown... the dental crown, that is. Forty-five minutes later, I became the proud (and sore) owner of a temporary crown... I go back in about a month for the permanent one... and a few fillings that I didn't know I needed. (The other dentist in the office, who I had initially seen, suggested that the few cavities I had were very small and not deep enough to fill yet so he was going to try to get them to heal themselves with fluoride... I've been using a fluoride mouthwash every day to try to get that to happen. That dentist has since retired, so the other dentist is taking over and apparently has a different idea. Bleh.). Now I get to spend the next month panicking about how bad THAT is going to hurt. :-\
Anyway, yesterday when I got home, I was okay for a little while because I was still mostly numb, but around 4:30 I went to CVS to fill the prescription for prescription-strength Aleve (essentially) and it started to hurt so bad I couldn't stand the thought of standing around for 20 minutes to wait for it to be filled. I came home, and Derek picked it up on his way home from work. I took a handful of ibuprofen in the meantime and didn't really get any relief until about 8:30ish. BOO. Dinner, as a result, was a tough call... and I opted for something I could take small bites of that was pretty soft -- a meatless burrito bowl from Chipotle. I couldn't get through it all, but I did get enough to not make me hate life and my stomach. I laid low for the rest of the evening, and I did manage to sleep okay, even after the ibuprofen wore off, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm still at a dull roar this morning but I'm about to take my first dose of the prescription so we'll see how that goes!
Aside from that, that's all I've got this week. No weight-loss revelations, just the usual renewed motivation to start over and do it better.
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