Starting Weight: 290.3/291.3*
Last Weigh-in: 284.3
This Week: 283.5
Net Loss: -0.8
Loss-to-Date: -7.8
I'm actually really stoked about this week's number, for a few reasons:
1) A loss is a loss, right? I mean, we always say that as long as the number is going down, you're doing something right, right? Losing 0.8 is pretty good in and of itself, but...
2) I haven't been on Metformin all week. I was supposed to have a CT scan yesterday and my doctor said that Metformin can negatively react with the contrast solution, so I stopped taking it (temporarily, of course) last Saturday. This means that I lost 0.8 without any help! This was just me, doing the right thing and eating the right stuff! (Due to insurance baloney, my CT was initially not authorized, so my doctor had to talk to one of Cigna's doctors, and now it's authorized, but I had to reschedule it for next Friday. So, another week sans Metformin for me!) Also...
3) I started my period (I can see Derek covering his ears and going "LALALALALALALALA" right now...). We'll see what this does to NEXT week's number, but it appears to have not ruined this week. Hooray! :)
I'm pleased to say that Derek and I did not eat out AT ALL this week. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were all made at home. I'm so proud of us. We made our meal plan, bought groceries, cooked delicious food every night, and we even managed to eat about 95% of the leftovers! I'm really, really, excited that we were able to do it. There were a couple times when the motivation to cook was low and we were really tempted to order a pizza or something, but we talked ourselves out of it. Let's see if we can keep it up!
I'm also pretty happy because all of the things we cooked this week are foods we actually like and enjoy. We picked healthy meals but none of them were super restrictive. We still had rice, pasta, bread, etc. We managed to not have absurd portion sizes, and we didn't have any extra fat or anything, but we were still snacking on stuff we probably shouldn't be (Cheez-its and pretzels anyone?). This just goes toward proving my point that I CAN lose weight without eating like a rabbit. Knowing that I can get the ball rolling towards getting healthy with changing my habits but not giving up EVERYTHING makes me that much more likely to stay on track. I know that at some point, losing weight on what I usually eat will be more difficult, and I'll need to cut some things out, but this is good for now.
In other news, I had an Exercise ECG (stress test) on Thursday. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that in the hours/days leading up to it, I was nervous as all get out about this damn test. All I knew about it was that they hook you up to crap and then put you on a treadmill. I was scared shitless that I was going to have to run, because while I'm okay with trying to jog a little here and there on flat, solid, ground, I'm a clutz with bad balance and trying to run on a path that's already moving and approximately two feet wide gives me the heebie-jeebies. I considered calling to cancel it, but I knew that would get me nowhere and I'm trying to get proof that I'm not dying, sooooo I needed to stick with it.
Basically, I was mostly right. First they did an ultrasound of my heart, and then while we waited for the cardiologist to come in, I got hooked up to an EKG and had my blood pressure tested. Then the cardiologist came in and read the ultrasound results to me -- my heart looks perfectly healthy. It beats strong and regularly (woo!) and didn't look like there was anything to be concerned about. He said the same thing about my EKG. So, we started the stress test. The tech explained that the goal was to get me to my target heart rate for my age, which is 162, and then stay there for a little bit to see what happens when I'm "stressed". I got on the treadmill and walked at a fairly steady but not-super-fast pace on a slight incline for 3 minutes. My heart rate got to 162 right at the end of those three minutes so I was HOPING that they'd just let me keep walking at that pace, but nooooo. They upped the speed AND the incline, and all I can say is thank god for the handlebar across the top that I was holding onto for dear life because I felt certain I would've flown off the end of that thing. Oy! Aside from being a little off balance, I managed the new speed pretty well at the beginning, but it started getting pretty tiring. My heart rate got up to like 190 but I had to finish that 3 minutes. And then the cardiologist thought he would be funny and try to talk to me.
"So, what do you do for a living, Sarah?"
"Arling...ton.... County....Planning... Depart.....*unintelligible groan*"
"Good, good... do you like it?"
"Yeah....*pant pant pant*
Etc, etc. Once that three minutes was up they slowed me down and let me get off, and then had me sit for a few minutes to get my heart rate back to normal. Or at least close to it. He then looked me square in the face and said "Your heart looks great, Sarah. I am confident that it is not what's causing your chest pains." On the one hand, YAY. Healthy heart! On the other hand, that means I just went through this for nothing! >:O
So, back to square one... sort of. I have a hypothesis. I think it's the Metformin that is causing the chest pain. The pains all started a couple months after I started taking it, and the only times I've had relief have been when I've gone off of it for various reasons. Example? I stopped taking it a few days before the wedding so that I would be able to drink on my honeymoon because you're not supposed to drink alcohol on Metformin... it's apparently okay to have a drink here and there but you're not supposed to drink to excess. I am not a big drinker but I wanted the freedom to do whatever I wanted on my honeymoon, and if that meant sitting by the pool tossing back bahama mamas like it was my job, then Metformin be damned! Anyway, I didn't have any pains during the honeymoon nor for the first couple weeks after we got back and I resumed taking them.
Also? Stopped taking them on Saturday for this stupid CT scan and haven't had a chest pain this entire week. I had asked my doctor about this correlation the last time I spoke to her and she said that chest pain isn't a known side effect of the Metformin so she didn't think that would be it, but she didn't rule out the possibility because as she put it, we put these chemicals into our bodies -- there's no telling what they can do sometimes... so she said she'd look into it. This conversation was before I stopped taking it this time so I am going to bring this up when I have my follow up after the CT scan. She also ordered more bloodwork for that visit so I get more pokes and prods.
Hopefully we have an answer soon. I can't help but feel that I'm putting myself through a lot of hoops for some pretty innocuous chest pains. But, I guess this all needed to be done.
Have a great week, all!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
We Meet Again....
First, the nitty gritty. But then, get comfy, cuz it's been a while and I have a LOT to say!
Starting Weight: 290.3/291.3*
Last Weigh-in: 280.3
This Week: 284.3
Net Loss: +4.0
Loss-to-Date: -7.0
Whew. It's been a while, folks. My last post was back in June. I kind of fell off the wagon, as I usually do, when I hit a stride and was losing well. Then, I got lazy, and I got in the mindset of "I deserve a break". Note: I did not deserve a break. I have a long road ahead of me. More on that in a sec.
Before I get started on what's been going on, I should weigh in on this week's number (hahah, get it??). I am honestly thrilled that it's only 284.3. Trust me when I say I have been eating SHIT for a few months -- I expected to at LEAST be back where I started, if not higher. I went to the doctor (more on that in a few) and weighed in at 289 with all my clothes on and shoes and my hair wet. So... I'll take this. To be fair, though, this is our first week weighing in in this house, and weighing in a different place certainly affects the number somehow. But I will take this baseline! :)
Towards the end of June, Derek and I decided we were finally ready to start looking for a house. I had been in that tiny, crappy little apartment since 2006, and we were just... done. The space was too small, things kept falling apart or breaking, we had a bug problem AND a slight mold problem... it was just time to go. (Thankfully, the community structures their leases such that you're only on a lease for the first year and then you're automatically month to month, so we were free to leave whenever we wanted to. That made life very easy!) I got in contact with a friend/former coworker who is now a real estate agent, and we signed on to work with her and her business partner to get us the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of that rathole. We went hunting on July 6th and through some miracle, we found the house of our dreams that same day -- it was the 3rd house we looked at and we put an offer in that same day. Blah, blah, blah, offer accepted, etc., and we closed on August 22nd! Those six weeks were a WHIRLWIND of packing, signing paperwork, and otherwise getting our lives together, and in true Hackley family form, cooking and eating healthfully took a backseat. I can't tell you how many times in the past two months that we've had fast food for dinner... suffice it to say that we quickly found the Checkers and Chick-Fil-A closest to our new home.
Well, then... we moved. And as you can imagine (or may know firsthand), moving is hectic. Between moving, and having people in town for two consecutive weekends for our respective 30th birthdays, and Derek getting sick and not being able to eat any solid food, then not being able to eat anything with fiber, this weekend is the first weekend we've been in our new house that we're just... here. No plans. Just normal weekend responsibilities like cleaning and running errands, etc. It feels divine -- so now we're ready to get back on track with cooking well and eating out almost never.
I've got some ground to make up, clearly. I'm surprised I hadn't gained back more, honestly, so I'll take this. I also fell off my soda-free/caffeine-free wagon, so I'm starting that again too. My consumption of soda this time around hadn't gotten nearly as bad as it had the FIRST time I quit, so this should be a piece of cake. Furthermore, I know I can do it, because I've done it. I'm just trying to get rid of the few cans of soda left we had in the house leftover from the aforementioned birthday parties. Most of it is diet ginger ale, so that's weaning me off the caffeine. I'll get there.
So... remember how a while back I revealed that I'd been struggling with mysterious chest pains? And that I finally went to the doctor about it and she diagnosed me with costochondritis? Well... the pains still haven't gone away. I still have good days where I don't have any pains at all, but I'm still having plenty of bad days. I needed to find a new doctor here near our new home anyway, so I decided to see if maybe costochondritis isn't the culprit after all and see about getting the mystery solved once and for all.
In the meantime, though, I'd been in panic mode again because I'd convinced myself that since it obviously isn't costochondritis, it must be lung cancer. Or something equally life-threatening. I'm so very thankful that Derek is such a patient, patient man. Sheesh.
So I went to the new doctor last Friday, the 20th. I love her, honestly. She was far more thorough than any other doctor I've had, and she asked and answered lots of questions. The practice itself is great, and the urgent care facility is run out of the same office so that is helpful (has already come in handy once -- I'll get to that). She ran a bunch of tests in the office, including an EKG, a breast exam, checking my lungs, taking blood, etc... all to try to figure out what the hell is causing my chest pain. She narrowed it down to costochondritis or gall bladder problems, and told me to schedule an ultrasound, chest xray, and exercise stress test/ECG to confirm, as well as rule out any heart problems. She is pretty confident it's not a heart problem, but better to be safe than sorry, no? (She didn't dig this deep during my appointment, but heart disease/problems run in my family so even better to be prepared).
Well. I had the ultrasound and chest xrays Friday and although I came home relatively confident it was all fine, she called me yesterday afternoon to discuss the results. First, she said, were my blood test results. Everything is fine except that my Vitamin D is low (12 - YIKES! Normal is 30-80) and that my liver enzymes are elevated. Again. If you'll recall from this post, the last time I had a blood test, they were very slightly elevated but not enough to cause her concern. (44, where 40 is normal). This time, they are at 53/60. So, still not incredibly high, but of concern. My chest x-ray was fine.
Well. The ultrasound did not go quite as well. Apparently, I have fatty deposits on my liver and pancreas, and a spot on my left kidney that she said could either be a stone or a fatty lesion. I need to schedule a CT scan to get some more details... Shit just got real. I did some research on each of these (namely fatty liver) and some of the symptoms fit -- fatigue and abdominal discomfort, in particular. None of these really explain the chest pains, so this is just more to worry about. The only real treatment for fatty liver (and presumably the others) is weight loss. So... this is for real now. It's not just about wanting to "feel" better. I actually need to GET better. I'm really scared, ya'll. I keep trying to remind myself that this is reversible, and my doctor said that everything is still functioning well so I'm not in serious, serious danger yet... but... this is scary. I don't want to be a lost cause. I'm 30 years old, not 80. I spent so much time worrying about what this excess weight would do to my heart and blood pressure that I didn't even really consider what it could be doing to my OTHER organs. I need to get real again. My biggest fear though is that this will just be another one of the many times that I've tried to get healthy, do well for a few weeks and then give up again. This honestly petrifies me. All I can keep thinking is that I'm going to turn into my brother -- the one who got diabetes diagnosed way too late, is now in chronic kidney failure and on dialysis three times a week and is blind in one eye. I love him to death and I see how much this has changed his life for the worse and I don't want to be there. I know he has 24 years on me age-wise, and he's a heavy smoker, but still. Genetics and stuff.
So, anyway, we went grocery shopping this morning for all the foods we will need to make delicious, healthy dinners this week. Once we get back in the hang of things, I'm going to slowly try to start cutting my carbs out/down, and then eventually cut back on my meat intake. I don't want to call myself a vegetarian/carb-free/gluten-free/dairy-free/anything-free, because those sound like fads, but I already don't eat much meat as it is. I need to focus on getting more fruits and veggies and other sources of protein, and I need to cut out the bad/simple carbs... I LOVE me some bread and potatoes!
So... I need all the help I can get. Your words of encouragement, my friends, has always helped to make me feel like I really can do this so please don't hesitate to check in on me. I will admit that I really hate it when people push me -- I have a coworker that keeps pushing me to go to the gym with her after work despite the fact that I keep telling her I can't because Derek picks me up and I'm not going to make him wait around for a half hour so that I can walk for a half an hour. However, I am getting myself a new FitBit (the old one has disappeared in the moving shuffle and rather than just wait for it to resurface, I'm buying myself a belated birthday present) and I am going to take this opportunity to start walking more, namely around my new neighborhood, which has an enormous amount of sidewalks and walking paths. It's great! Maybe one day I'll even jog them! :-O
Anyway, I can use your help. Keep the encouragement coming, and the next time any of you see me, make sure I don't have soda or bad food in my hands/mouth. I really gotta do it this time.
Til next time...
Starting Weight: 290.3/291.3*
Last Weigh-in: 280.3
This Week: 284.3
Net Loss: +4.0
Loss-to-Date: -7.0
Whew. It's been a while, folks. My last post was back in June. I kind of fell off the wagon, as I usually do, when I hit a stride and was losing well. Then, I got lazy, and I got in the mindset of "I deserve a break". Note: I did not deserve a break. I have a long road ahead of me. More on that in a sec.
Before I get started on what's been going on, I should weigh in on this week's number (hahah, get it??). I am honestly thrilled that it's only 284.3. Trust me when I say I have been eating SHIT for a few months -- I expected to at LEAST be back where I started, if not higher. I went to the doctor (more on that in a few) and weighed in at 289 with all my clothes on and shoes and my hair wet. So... I'll take this. To be fair, though, this is our first week weighing in in this house, and weighing in a different place certainly affects the number somehow. But I will take this baseline! :)
Towards the end of June, Derek and I decided we were finally ready to start looking for a house. I had been in that tiny, crappy little apartment since 2006, and we were just... done. The space was too small, things kept falling apart or breaking, we had a bug problem AND a slight mold problem... it was just time to go. (Thankfully, the community structures their leases such that you're only on a lease for the first year and then you're automatically month to month, so we were free to leave whenever we wanted to. That made life very easy!) I got in contact with a friend/former coworker who is now a real estate agent, and we signed on to work with her and her business partner to get us the h-e-double-hockeysticks out of that rathole. We went hunting on July 6th and through some miracle, we found the house of our dreams that same day -- it was the 3rd house we looked at and we put an offer in that same day. Blah, blah, blah, offer accepted, etc., and we closed on August 22nd! Those six weeks were a WHIRLWIND of packing, signing paperwork, and otherwise getting our lives together, and in true Hackley family form, cooking and eating healthfully took a backseat. I can't tell you how many times in the past two months that we've had fast food for dinner... suffice it to say that we quickly found the Checkers and Chick-Fil-A closest to our new home.
Well, then... we moved. And as you can imagine (or may know firsthand), moving is hectic. Between moving, and having people in town for two consecutive weekends for our respective 30th birthdays, and Derek getting sick and not being able to eat any solid food, then not being able to eat anything with fiber, this weekend is the first weekend we've been in our new house that we're just... here. No plans. Just normal weekend responsibilities like cleaning and running errands, etc. It feels divine -- so now we're ready to get back on track with cooking well and eating out almost never.
I've got some ground to make up, clearly. I'm surprised I hadn't gained back more, honestly, so I'll take this. I also fell off my soda-free/caffeine-free wagon, so I'm starting that again too. My consumption of soda this time around hadn't gotten nearly as bad as it had the FIRST time I quit, so this should be a piece of cake. Furthermore, I know I can do it, because I've done it. I'm just trying to get rid of the few cans of soda left we had in the house leftover from the aforementioned birthday parties. Most of it is diet ginger ale, so that's weaning me off the caffeine. I'll get there.
So... remember how a while back I revealed that I'd been struggling with mysterious chest pains? And that I finally went to the doctor about it and she diagnosed me with costochondritis? Well... the pains still haven't gone away. I still have good days where I don't have any pains at all, but I'm still having plenty of bad days. I needed to find a new doctor here near our new home anyway, so I decided to see if maybe costochondritis isn't the culprit after all and see about getting the mystery solved once and for all.
In the meantime, though, I'd been in panic mode again because I'd convinced myself that since it obviously isn't costochondritis, it must be lung cancer. Or something equally life-threatening. I'm so very thankful that Derek is such a patient, patient man. Sheesh.
So I went to the new doctor last Friday, the 20th. I love her, honestly. She was far more thorough than any other doctor I've had, and she asked and answered lots of questions. The practice itself is great, and the urgent care facility is run out of the same office so that is helpful (has already come in handy once -- I'll get to that). She ran a bunch of tests in the office, including an EKG, a breast exam, checking my lungs, taking blood, etc... all to try to figure out what the hell is causing my chest pain. She narrowed it down to costochondritis or gall bladder problems, and told me to schedule an ultrasound, chest xray, and exercise stress test/ECG to confirm, as well as rule out any heart problems. She is pretty confident it's not a heart problem, but better to be safe than sorry, no? (She didn't dig this deep during my appointment, but heart disease/problems run in my family so even better to be prepared).
Well. I had the ultrasound and chest xrays Friday and although I came home relatively confident it was all fine, she called me yesterday afternoon to discuss the results. First, she said, were my blood test results. Everything is fine except that my Vitamin D is low (12 - YIKES! Normal is 30-80) and that my liver enzymes are elevated. Again. If you'll recall from this post, the last time I had a blood test, they were very slightly elevated but not enough to cause her concern. (44, where 40 is normal). This time, they are at 53/60. So, still not incredibly high, but of concern. My chest x-ray was fine.
Well. The ultrasound did not go quite as well. Apparently, I have fatty deposits on my liver and pancreas, and a spot on my left kidney that she said could either be a stone or a fatty lesion. I need to schedule a CT scan to get some more details... Shit just got real. I did some research on each of these (namely fatty liver) and some of the symptoms fit -- fatigue and abdominal discomfort, in particular. None of these really explain the chest pains, so this is just more to worry about. The only real treatment for fatty liver (and presumably the others) is weight loss. So... this is for real now. It's not just about wanting to "feel" better. I actually need to GET better. I'm really scared, ya'll. I keep trying to remind myself that this is reversible, and my doctor said that everything is still functioning well so I'm not in serious, serious danger yet... but... this is scary. I don't want to be a lost cause. I'm 30 years old, not 80. I spent so much time worrying about what this excess weight would do to my heart and blood pressure that I didn't even really consider what it could be doing to my OTHER organs. I need to get real again. My biggest fear though is that this will just be another one of the many times that I've tried to get healthy, do well for a few weeks and then give up again. This honestly petrifies me. All I can keep thinking is that I'm going to turn into my brother -- the one who got diabetes diagnosed way too late, is now in chronic kidney failure and on dialysis three times a week and is blind in one eye. I love him to death and I see how much this has changed his life for the worse and I don't want to be there. I know he has 24 years on me age-wise, and he's a heavy smoker, but still. Genetics and stuff.
So, anyway, we went grocery shopping this morning for all the foods we will need to make delicious, healthy dinners this week. Once we get back in the hang of things, I'm going to slowly try to start cutting my carbs out/down, and then eventually cut back on my meat intake. I don't want to call myself a vegetarian/carb-free/gluten-free/dairy-free/anything-free, because those sound like fads, but I already don't eat much meat as it is. I need to focus on getting more fruits and veggies and other sources of protein, and I need to cut out the bad/simple carbs... I LOVE me some bread and potatoes!
So... I need all the help I can get. Your words of encouragement, my friends, has always helped to make me feel like I really can do this so please don't hesitate to check in on me. I will admit that I really hate it when people push me -- I have a coworker that keeps pushing me to go to the gym with her after work despite the fact that I keep telling her I can't because Derek picks me up and I'm not going to make him wait around for a half hour so that I can walk for a half an hour. However, I am getting myself a new FitBit (the old one has disappeared in the moving shuffle and rather than just wait for it to resurface, I'm buying myself a belated birthday present) and I am going to take this opportunity to start walking more, namely around my new neighborhood, which has an enormous amount of sidewalks and walking paths. It's great! Maybe one day I'll even jog them! :-O
Anyway, I can use your help. Keep the encouragement coming, and the next time any of you see me, make sure I don't have soda or bad food in my hands/mouth. I really gotta do it this time.
Til next time...
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Weigh-in and HALLELUJAH
Here we go... (this might be a long one cuz I have a lot to say this week!)
Starting Weight: 290.3/291.3*
Last Weigh-in: 281.0
This Week: 280.3
Net Loss: -0.7
Loss-to-Date: -11.0
YES! FINALLY hit 10 pounds down. It's been a long, frustrating road to this ten pounds but I earned this. I worked hard. I've got a looooooooong way to go but I'm finally in a place where I really think I can get there.
So let's talk about this week. I've switched things up a bit. I've decided to put WeightWatchers on a back burner for a while, and instead I've created an account on and started using MyFitnessPal. MFP is, in most ways, pretty similar to WW in that you log your food, exercise, and weight, but a) it's free, and b) instead of calculating points, it tracks the actual legit numbers for your food. The primary focus is calories but it also tracks carbs, fat, protein, sodium, and sugar. This is really important to me because as you may recall, I'm trying to cut out carbs and sugar almost completely (or close, anyway), and I've always wondered where I fall as far as how much protein I get. This is much better for me in that regard. You'll also notice a MFP progress ticker on the right side of this page showing how much weight I've lost. *It says 11 pounds down because I entered my starting weight from WW, and after all this time I realized that my starting weight was 291.3, not 290.3. I'm not going to adjust past entries but I'm going to go by this number moving forward.
MFP also has a social aspect to it. WW does too, in the form of forums and stuff, but not only does MFP have forums and message boards, it kind of has a Facebook-like aspect about it in that you have a news feed, you can add "friends", and people can see what you do (with varying degrees of privacy available) and encourage you. Already, in just being on it for a week, I've accumulated 21 friends, and 12 of them are people I don't know in real life and are just on similar journeys and are offering encouragement. I gotta tell you, finishing my calorie log for the day, or just simply logging in and having someone tell you "way to go!" just for accomplishing those little steps... it's pretty motivating.
The only thing that WW has that MFP doesn't is recipes and other food resources like articles and "cheat sheets". You can build and store your own recipes on MFP, but WW has its own database of WW- and user-created recipes that I've occasionally used. I don't so much anymore because I feel like WW recipes rely on a lot of processed food, but either way, it's nice to have it there. For that reason, I've been hemming and hawing about whether or not I should cancel my WW subscription for good. I've been a member for the past 5 years (not including my attempts at it in HS and college) so it's hard to just walk away from it. We'll see.
I've already converted Derek to MFP. He seems to like it so far, and he's actually been more motivated than I expected him to be about logging what he's eating and stuff. I don't think he ever really got into WW the way I did (which... may have been part of my problem?), so it's nice to finally have this to share with him and hold each other accountable. At any rate, I highly recommend it. If you decide to sign up, my username there is (shocker!): healthilyeverafter13.
So. With help from my newfound obsession with MFP, I logged everything I consumed this week. When you set up your account, it automatically calculates your recommended daily allowances based on your weight loss goals. It calculates your BMR (basal metabolic rate -- how much you burn just by, like... living), and then subtracts the amount of calories per day based on what you want to lose. So, if you're like me, and want to lose a pound per week (which it recommends), it subtracts 500 calories, since 500x7 days in a week = 3500 calories, the amount in a pound. This number is now your daily calorie goal. Mine is 1980. It also calculates goals for your other macronutrients, but I don't remember those offhand.
This week, I did amazing. I had an average of about an extra 500-ish calorie deficit every day on top of the one already included. I had tons of fruits and veggies, not so many carbs and sugar, and we cooked dinner at home every night this week until Friday. All signs pointed to me being able to lose at LEAST two whole pounds this week. I was ecstatic. I even weighed myself periodically during the week (which I never do, and will not continue doing because it makes me crazy) and on Friday morning, I weighed myself and I was down 2.7 pounds! I was SO FLIPPING HAPPY, but wasn't going to count it because it still wasn't my official weigh-in day. I did pretty well Friday for breakfast and lunch, but I slipped for dinner and Derek and I ordered Chinese. I stayed within my calorie goal, and most of the macros, but I did go over in sodium (as you might expect). I always make dumb mistakes the meal before weigh-in. I wish I could knock some sense into myself! Couple this with the fact that Aunt Flo is visiting this week and there you have my 0.7 loss instead of the beautiful 2.7 loss. Oh well. At least it still went down. Back on the horse this week!
In other news, I had a doctor's appointment Friday and got a variety of good news. I had two primary reasons for my visit: 1) the last time I was there, my BP was a bit elevated and she wanted me to come back again after the wedding to check it. She suggested that it could've just been because I was nervous about being at the doctor, but she wanted to check anyway, and 2) I hadn't mentioned it to very many people, but on and off for quite some time now, I'd been having some minor chest pains. They were mostly on the right side of my chest, and they were never above, say, a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10, but they were causing some MAJOR anxiety, which was making everything, in general, worse. I mean, we're talking... crying myself to sleep at night, afraid I wasn't going to make it to my 30th birthday, and asking for extra bedtime kisses from Derek "just in case I don't wake up in the morning". Of course, WebMD is my mortal enemy (as is the internet in general in situations like this), and over the course of the past month or so I'd diagnosed myself with everything from anxiety pains to lung cancer. The pains started at the tail end of last year (and were actually part of the reason I scheduled the doctor appointment I had in January), but went away before the appointment, and then came back again at the beginning-to-mid April. They were/are sporadic and fleeting, usually not lasting more than a few seconds at a time. Just enough to make me panic. A lot.
Well. I got good news. My NP said, with confidence, that she thinks it's costochondritis, an inflammation of the cartilage between your rib bones. The inflammation in the ribs can affect the nerves, which is why some of the pain seemed more superficial and it moves around. The only symptoms that don't really match up for me is that my pain isn't severe, and it doesn't hurt for me to breathe in deeply. The other symptoms are pretty much dead-on, so I'm hoping that this is right. Unfortunately, though, the only real treatment is NSAIDs (like ibuprofen), and I've had mixed success with those. Usually, though, the pain isn't ever bad enough that I need the ibuprofen in order to function. I've noticed that it gets more irritating when I'm sitting at my desk or in the car too long, so I've been trying to stand or lay down more. That seems to help. Otherwise, costochondritis kind of "flares up" (which explains why it went away for a few months), and I'm hoping this flare will be over soon.
Aside from that, my BP, which was 140/90 the last time I was there, is now 126/80, which is close to perfect. I was SO happy to hear this. Part of the reason I had been panicking about the chest pain was that I was imagining that my BP had shot through the roof and I really was having a heart attack or something. I know, I'm not rational. On top of that, my NP said she is "very pleased" with my progress on my weight loss so far, knowing how hard it is with the PCOS, and told me to keep up what I'm doing. Her only recommendation was to step up my exercise game, but that's a surprise to approximately zero people. Hopefully now that I know that I have a relatively clean bill of health and I'm not going to die tomorrow (from chest pain, anyway), I can stop having daily anxiety attacks and get back to my life. Not even joking, I had been a WRECK for the past few weeks... to the point where I made Derek take off work to go with me to the doctor just in case the NP was like "this is serious, drive to the hospital RIGHTNOW". Thankfully, I hide it well from everyone except Derek. Not thankfully, Derek has probably wanted to escape to a remote island somewhere to get away from my neurosis. Sorry honey! I love you! Thank you for being so flipping amazing!
So that's my life this week. Tomorrow I'm hoping the weather will stay as beautiful as it was today, because I'm planning on going swimming at the pool in my apartment complex for the first time in like... 2 years. YAY! Cross your fingers! :)
(Also, stay tuned -- I have an idea for another post that I may get to during this week... didn't want to make this one any longer than it already is!)
<3
Starting Weight: 290.3/291.3*
Last Weigh-in: 281.0
This Week: 280.3
Net Loss: -0.7
Loss-to-Date: -11.0
YES! FINALLY hit 10 pounds down. It's been a long, frustrating road to this ten pounds but I earned this. I worked hard. I've got a looooooooong way to go but I'm finally in a place where I really think I can get there.
So let's talk about this week. I've switched things up a bit. I've decided to put WeightWatchers on a back burner for a while, and instead I've created an account on and started using MyFitnessPal. MFP is, in most ways, pretty similar to WW in that you log your food, exercise, and weight, but a) it's free, and b) instead of calculating points, it tracks the actual legit numbers for your food. The primary focus is calories but it also tracks carbs, fat, protein, sodium, and sugar. This is really important to me because as you may recall, I'm trying to cut out carbs and sugar almost completely (or close, anyway), and I've always wondered where I fall as far as how much protein I get. This is much better for me in that regard. You'll also notice a MFP progress ticker on the right side of this page showing how much weight I've lost. *It says 11 pounds down because I entered my starting weight from WW, and after all this time I realized that my starting weight was 291.3, not 290.3. I'm not going to adjust past entries but I'm going to go by this number moving forward.
MFP also has a social aspect to it. WW does too, in the form of forums and stuff, but not only does MFP have forums and message boards, it kind of has a Facebook-like aspect about it in that you have a news feed, you can add "friends", and people can see what you do (with varying degrees of privacy available) and encourage you. Already, in just being on it for a week, I've accumulated 21 friends, and 12 of them are people I don't know in real life and are just on similar journeys and are offering encouragement. I gotta tell you, finishing my calorie log for the day, or just simply logging in and having someone tell you "way to go!" just for accomplishing those little steps... it's pretty motivating.
The only thing that WW has that MFP doesn't is recipes and other food resources like articles and "cheat sheets". You can build and store your own recipes on MFP, but WW has its own database of WW- and user-created recipes that I've occasionally used. I don't so much anymore because I feel like WW recipes rely on a lot of processed food, but either way, it's nice to have it there. For that reason, I've been hemming and hawing about whether or not I should cancel my WW subscription for good. I've been a member for the past 5 years (not including my attempts at it in HS and college) so it's hard to just walk away from it. We'll see.
I've already converted Derek to MFP. He seems to like it so far, and he's actually been more motivated than I expected him to be about logging what he's eating and stuff. I don't think he ever really got into WW the way I did (which... may have been part of my problem?), so it's nice to finally have this to share with him and hold each other accountable. At any rate, I highly recommend it. If you decide to sign up, my username there is (shocker!): healthilyeverafter13.
So. With help from my newfound obsession with MFP, I logged everything I consumed this week. When you set up your account, it automatically calculates your recommended daily allowances based on your weight loss goals. It calculates your BMR (basal metabolic rate -- how much you burn just by, like... living), and then subtracts the amount of calories per day based on what you want to lose. So, if you're like me, and want to lose a pound per week (which it recommends), it subtracts 500 calories, since 500x7 days in a week = 3500 calories, the amount in a pound. This number is now your daily calorie goal. Mine is 1980. It also calculates goals for your other macronutrients, but I don't remember those offhand.
This week, I did amazing. I had an average of about an extra 500-ish calorie deficit every day on top of the one already included. I had tons of fruits and veggies, not so many carbs and sugar, and we cooked dinner at home every night this week until Friday. All signs pointed to me being able to lose at LEAST two whole pounds this week. I was ecstatic. I even weighed myself periodically during the week (which I never do, and will not continue doing because it makes me crazy) and on Friday morning, I weighed myself and I was down 2.7 pounds! I was SO FLIPPING HAPPY, but wasn't going to count it because it still wasn't my official weigh-in day. I did pretty well Friday for breakfast and lunch, but I slipped for dinner and Derek and I ordered Chinese. I stayed within my calorie goal, and most of the macros, but I did go over in sodium (as you might expect). I always make dumb mistakes the meal before weigh-in. I wish I could knock some sense into myself! Couple this with the fact that Aunt Flo is visiting this week and there you have my 0.7 loss instead of the beautiful 2.7 loss. Oh well. At least it still went down. Back on the horse this week!
In other news, I had a doctor's appointment Friday and got a variety of good news. I had two primary reasons for my visit: 1) the last time I was there, my BP was a bit elevated and she wanted me to come back again after the wedding to check it. She suggested that it could've just been because I was nervous about being at the doctor, but she wanted to check anyway, and 2) I hadn't mentioned it to very many people, but on and off for quite some time now, I'd been having some minor chest pains. They were mostly on the right side of my chest, and they were never above, say, a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10, but they were causing some MAJOR anxiety, which was making everything, in general, worse. I mean, we're talking... crying myself to sleep at night, afraid I wasn't going to make it to my 30th birthday, and asking for extra bedtime kisses from Derek "just in case I don't wake up in the morning". Of course, WebMD is my mortal enemy (as is the internet in general in situations like this), and over the course of the past month or so I'd diagnosed myself with everything from anxiety pains to lung cancer. The pains started at the tail end of last year (and were actually part of the reason I scheduled the doctor appointment I had in January), but went away before the appointment, and then came back again at the beginning-to-mid April. They were/are sporadic and fleeting, usually not lasting more than a few seconds at a time. Just enough to make me panic. A lot.
Well. I got good news. My NP said, with confidence, that she thinks it's costochondritis, an inflammation of the cartilage between your rib bones. The inflammation in the ribs can affect the nerves, which is why some of the pain seemed more superficial and it moves around. The only symptoms that don't really match up for me is that my pain isn't severe, and it doesn't hurt for me to breathe in deeply. The other symptoms are pretty much dead-on, so I'm hoping that this is right. Unfortunately, though, the only real treatment is NSAIDs (like ibuprofen), and I've had mixed success with those. Usually, though, the pain isn't ever bad enough that I need the ibuprofen in order to function. I've noticed that it gets more irritating when I'm sitting at my desk or in the car too long, so I've been trying to stand or lay down more. That seems to help. Otherwise, costochondritis kind of "flares up" (which explains why it went away for a few months), and I'm hoping this flare will be over soon.
Aside from that, my BP, which was 140/90 the last time I was there, is now 126/80, which is close to perfect. I was SO happy to hear this. Part of the reason I had been panicking about the chest pain was that I was imagining that my BP had shot through the roof and I really was having a heart attack or something. I know, I'm not rational. On top of that, my NP said she is "very pleased" with my progress on my weight loss so far, knowing how hard it is with the PCOS, and told me to keep up what I'm doing. Her only recommendation was to step up my exercise game, but that's a surprise to approximately zero people. Hopefully now that I know that I have a relatively clean bill of health and I'm not going to die tomorrow (from chest pain, anyway), I can stop having daily anxiety attacks and get back to my life. Not even joking, I had been a WRECK for the past few weeks... to the point where I made Derek take off work to go with me to the doctor just in case the NP was like "this is serious, drive to the hospital RIGHTNOW". Thankfully, I hide it well from everyone except Derek. Not thankfully, Derek has probably wanted to escape to a remote island somewhere to get away from my neurosis. Sorry honey! I love you! Thank you for being so flipping amazing!
So that's my life this week. Tomorrow I'm hoping the weather will stay as beautiful as it was today, because I'm planning on going swimming at the pool in my apartment complex for the first time in like... 2 years. YAY! Cross your fingers! :)
(Also, stay tuned -- I have an idea for another post that I may get to during this week... didn't want to make this one any longer than it already is!)
<3
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Weigh-in and... is that some progress!?!
You know the drill... first the dirt:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 284.4
This Week: 281.0
Net Loss: -3.4
Loss-to-Date: -9.3
When I saw that number this morning, I almost shit myself. I lost all of the gain from last week, PLUS some.
Honestly, I can't say I was expecting it. I've gotten to the point where I don't hope for much -- it's easier to keep myself from being disappointed that way. I did make some better choices this week, though, so I didn't think a loss was completely out of the picture. And I guess in the back of my mind I was kind of hoping for something as drastic as this.
My biggest success this week has been drastically cutting back (but not out completely) the amount of carbs I consume. It hasn't been easy, let me tell you! Aside from bread and potatoes and pasta and rice and all of those things being incredibly tasty, well, I just grew up on the notion that a meal consists of a meat, a carb, and a veggie. Sometimes, all three are combined (yes, my mom was queen of the casserole!), but either way, that's the way to a well-rounded diet. If I don't have something starchy with my meal I feel like I'm missing something... and not in the "Ohhh, bread, I miss you" sense, but the "Wait... something's not here" sense. But I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it appears as though going low/no-carb is pretty successful for women with PCOS. Our bodies just don't break them down correctly, or something. So I figured I'd give it a try, namely starting with complex carbs like bread/rice/potatoes and not focusing so much on simple carbs like fruit. I love me some fruit -- you can't take that away from me!
Bob Harper's Skinny Rules wants you to eliminate carbs after dinner. This is a really tough challenge for Derek and I because our meals usually consist of, as I said, some sort of meat, a heaping serving of veggies, and a significant serving of some sort of starch... lately it's been either steamed rice or roasted potatoes. (I know. White carbs. Shoot me.)
I decided, though, that I wanted to focus on just overall reducing the carbs I was consuming throughout the day instead of trying to eliminate them from a meal altogether. So, all this week, my breakfasts have been complex carb-free (which is much easier for me).. most of this week, they've consisted of a banana and some peanut butter. I saw my coworker doing this a couple weeks ago -- peeling a banana and then using a spoon/knife to spread a little peanut butter on each bite. GENIUS. And delicious. I had some single-serving cups of reduced-fat peanut butter that had been forgotten about, so this worked perfectly, because I couldn't go overboard with the PB. Yum.
Lunches were... well... they were okay. Monday for dinner we "slipped" and ordered out. Derek has been wanting me to try Afghan food/kebab for a long time, and I finally relented. I ordered a combo that had beef and chicken, and came with rice, spinach, and bread. And since I anticipated not liking it very much (I'm really, REALLY picky), I ordered a side house salad. I figured you couldn't mess that up. The spinach, for me, was inedible. It was really mushy and slimy and whatever seasonings were used were overpowering everything. The rice was okay but also had seasonings I wasn't crazy about, so I mostly stayed away from it. The chicken was tasty but dry -- and this is something I'm SUPER picky about so I was expecting this (I rarely eat chicken simply because 95% of the time, it's too dry for my tastes. I really should just be a vegetarian. Meat is weird.). The beef -- kubideh, if you're familiar -- was ground beef seasoned and shaped into a roll of sorts. It was pretty tasty and this was what I ate the most of, although I still didn't eat it all. The salad was good and the bread was delicious. So my carb-heavy meal ended up being not-so-carb heavy and actually kind of small. Overall, I'd say that it wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't go out of my way to eat it again. Sorry, Derek. :-\
Anyway, for Tuesday's dinner, we made our dinner that we were supposed to make for our "Meatless Monday". It was a "burrito" of sorts, filled with black beans, corn, salsa, and a little bit of reduced-fat shredded cheese. I called them "burritos" but they were made with Mission Carb Balance soft-taco sized tortillas, so they were actually pretty small. And they were delicious. And there were leftovers for lunch on Wednesday.
The rest of the week was pretty unspectacular but I tried my best to keep the carbs down. With the exception of last night's dinner (turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread), I opted for lower-carb tortillas instead of actual bread, and did my best to regulate how much starch I was consuming overall. I think this is where I can attribute my success this week.
On a side note, a new restaurant has opened right across the street from my office called Sweet Leaf, and I am SO happy they're there because there's finally a place nearby to get a good salad or sandwich that doesn't charge outlandish prices and is actually tasty. They have "pre-fab" salads or you can create your own, same with sandwiches, so the possibilities are endless. The salads so far have been tasty but they're pretty lettuce-heavy which makes me feel like I'm not getting my money's worth. But I've gotten sandwiches from them a couple times (on a wrap instead of bread) and they're actually pretty tasty. I'm still trying to stick to the concept of making dinner and taking leftovers for lunch, but when that doesn't work out, I'm glad this place is a good backup plan. Yay.
So, I didn't really intend for this post to be "What Sarah Ate This Week", but there you have it. This week I'm going to keep trying to cut back/out my carb intake, and then try to up my protein intake (since I'm not much of a meat eater, as I've mentioned). I kind of feel like an idiot because all along I've refused to do any major diet change other than cutting out the obvious unhealthy foods... I've subscribed to the "everything in moderation" rule, and of course Weight Watchers has always instilled in its members that you can eat whatever as long as you account for it. This worked for me in the past and I've been too stubborn to realize that maybe it wasn't working anymore and that with the PCOS, other things really do need to be considered. Maybe this will help me get on the right path for good.
I was crunching some numbers and looking at my goals. If you recall from my Very First Post, my first short-term goal was to get to 250 by my 30th birthday. At the time, it would require me to lose about a pound a week and I was really excited because that really sounded doable. Well, with all the setbacks I've had, I've now got 16 weeks to lose 31 pounds... so, just about 2 pounds per week. Slightly less doable, but if I can keep up what I did this week, it's possible. At this point I'd settle with just getting close.
On another note, and I'll try to wrap it up here... I'm really eager for there to be noticeable, visible changes. I've lost nearly 10 pounds now and I don't feel different, my clothes don't fit differently, and I don't see a difference in how I look. I feel like once there's a noticeable difference, I'll feel more like I'm actually doing some good for myself. Right now still kinda feels like I'm faking it. Wish me luck!
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 284.4
This Week: 281.0
Net Loss: -3.4
Loss-to-Date: -9.3
When I saw that number this morning, I almost shit myself. I lost all of the gain from last week, PLUS some.
Honestly, I can't say I was expecting it. I've gotten to the point where I don't hope for much -- it's easier to keep myself from being disappointed that way. I did make some better choices this week, though, so I didn't think a loss was completely out of the picture. And I guess in the back of my mind I was kind of hoping for something as drastic as this.
My biggest success this week has been drastically cutting back (but not out completely) the amount of carbs I consume. It hasn't been easy, let me tell you! Aside from bread and potatoes and pasta and rice and all of those things being incredibly tasty, well, I just grew up on the notion that a meal consists of a meat, a carb, and a veggie. Sometimes, all three are combined (yes, my mom was queen of the casserole!), but either way, that's the way to a well-rounded diet. If I don't have something starchy with my meal I feel like I'm missing something... and not in the "Ohhh, bread, I miss you" sense, but the "Wait... something's not here" sense. But I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it appears as though going low/no-carb is pretty successful for women with PCOS. Our bodies just don't break them down correctly, or something. So I figured I'd give it a try, namely starting with complex carbs like bread/rice/potatoes and not focusing so much on simple carbs like fruit. I love me some fruit -- you can't take that away from me!
Bob Harper's Skinny Rules wants you to eliminate carbs after dinner. This is a really tough challenge for Derek and I because our meals usually consist of, as I said, some sort of meat, a heaping serving of veggies, and a significant serving of some sort of starch... lately it's been either steamed rice or roasted potatoes. (I know. White carbs. Shoot me.)
I decided, though, that I wanted to focus on just overall reducing the carbs I was consuming throughout the day instead of trying to eliminate them from a meal altogether. So, all this week, my breakfasts have been complex carb-free (which is much easier for me).. most of this week, they've consisted of a banana and some peanut butter. I saw my coworker doing this a couple weeks ago -- peeling a banana and then using a spoon/knife to spread a little peanut butter on each bite. GENIUS. And delicious. I had some single-serving cups of reduced-fat peanut butter that had been forgotten about, so this worked perfectly, because I couldn't go overboard with the PB. Yum.
Lunches were... well... they were okay. Monday for dinner we "slipped" and ordered out. Derek has been wanting me to try Afghan food/kebab for a long time, and I finally relented. I ordered a combo that had beef and chicken, and came with rice, spinach, and bread. And since I anticipated not liking it very much (I'm really, REALLY picky), I ordered a side house salad. I figured you couldn't mess that up. The spinach, for me, was inedible. It was really mushy and slimy and whatever seasonings were used were overpowering everything. The rice was okay but also had seasonings I wasn't crazy about, so I mostly stayed away from it. The chicken was tasty but dry -- and this is something I'm SUPER picky about so I was expecting this (I rarely eat chicken simply because 95% of the time, it's too dry for my tastes. I really should just be a vegetarian. Meat is weird.). The beef -- kubideh, if you're familiar -- was ground beef seasoned and shaped into a roll of sorts. It was pretty tasty and this was what I ate the most of, although I still didn't eat it all. The salad was good and the bread was delicious. So my carb-heavy meal ended up being not-so-carb heavy and actually kind of small. Overall, I'd say that it wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't go out of my way to eat it again. Sorry, Derek. :-\
Anyway, for Tuesday's dinner, we made our dinner that we were supposed to make for our "Meatless Monday". It was a "burrito" of sorts, filled with black beans, corn, salsa, and a little bit of reduced-fat shredded cheese. I called them "burritos" but they were made with Mission Carb Balance soft-taco sized tortillas, so they were actually pretty small. And they were delicious. And there were leftovers for lunch on Wednesday.
The rest of the week was pretty unspectacular but I tried my best to keep the carbs down. With the exception of last night's dinner (turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread), I opted for lower-carb tortillas instead of actual bread, and did my best to regulate how much starch I was consuming overall. I think this is where I can attribute my success this week.
On a side note, a new restaurant has opened right across the street from my office called Sweet Leaf, and I am SO happy they're there because there's finally a place nearby to get a good salad or sandwich that doesn't charge outlandish prices and is actually tasty. They have "pre-fab" salads or you can create your own, same with sandwiches, so the possibilities are endless. The salads so far have been tasty but they're pretty lettuce-heavy which makes me feel like I'm not getting my money's worth. But I've gotten sandwiches from them a couple times (on a wrap instead of bread) and they're actually pretty tasty. I'm still trying to stick to the concept of making dinner and taking leftovers for lunch, but when that doesn't work out, I'm glad this place is a good backup plan. Yay.
So, I didn't really intend for this post to be "What Sarah Ate This Week", but there you have it. This week I'm going to keep trying to cut back/out my carb intake, and then try to up my protein intake (since I'm not much of a meat eater, as I've mentioned). I kind of feel like an idiot because all along I've refused to do any major diet change other than cutting out the obvious unhealthy foods... I've subscribed to the "everything in moderation" rule, and of course Weight Watchers has always instilled in its members that you can eat whatever as long as you account for it. This worked for me in the past and I've been too stubborn to realize that maybe it wasn't working anymore and that with the PCOS, other things really do need to be considered. Maybe this will help me get on the right path for good.
I was crunching some numbers and looking at my goals. If you recall from my Very First Post, my first short-term goal was to get to 250 by my 30th birthday. At the time, it would require me to lose about a pound a week and I was really excited because that really sounded doable. Well, with all the setbacks I've had, I've now got 16 weeks to lose 31 pounds... so, just about 2 pounds per week. Slightly less doable, but if I can keep up what I did this week, it's possible. At this point I'd settle with just getting close.
On another note, and I'll try to wrap it up here... I'm really eager for there to be noticeable, visible changes. I've lost nearly 10 pounds now and I don't feel different, my clothes don't fit differently, and I don't see a difference in how I look. I feel like once there's a noticeable difference, I'll feel more like I'm actually doing some good for myself. Right now still kinda feels like I'm faking it. Wish me luck!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Weigh-in and... I'm tired.
First the nitty-gritty:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 284.4
Net Loss: +3.1
Loss-to-Date: -5.9
This is going to be short. I'm so angry/sad/upset/hurt/flabbergasted that I could spit. I'm so tired of this. I had a fairly decent week (or so I thought), and then this happens. I went into this weigh-in thinking that I could've possibly gotten out of the 280s once and for all... but nope. How about we jump three pounds further into them?
I want to give up so badly. I'm so tired of this heartache... I'm tired of thinking I did well only to see this pop up on the scale. I'm tired of seeing how easy it comes for other people and knowing that I'll never have it that easy. I'm tired of trying one new thing here and another new thing there to try and get myself straight either to only fail at trying or to succeed but have it make no difference.
I'm tired of being afraid of my weight. I'm tired of living every day waiting for the other foot to drop on my health and to suddenly not be okay anymore. I'm 29 years old but I live in daily fear of a heart attack (even though my blood pressure and cholesterol are okay, for the most part) because I know I'm doing myself no favors. I'm tired of the fear of not waking up in the morning and telling Derek three I love him three extra times before we fall asleep just in case I don't see another day with him. I'm tired of the fact that despite how irrational these fears sound, there's an element of truth to them that keeps me from being able to talk some sense into myself.
I'm so tired.
If I could just see a few consecutive weeks of weight loss, no matter how small, just to prove to myself that I'm doing something right... I think I would feel better. But I don't. I gain, then lose, then gain, then lose, then gain real big, then lose real little.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have a doctor's appointment next Friday to check my blood pressure (the last time I was there she wanted me to come back in a few months to re-check it, because it was a little high but she was chalking it up to nerves), and while I'm at it I'm going to ask about upping my Metformin dosage again. I'm also going to see if I can get her to tell me one way or the other how healthy/unhealthy I am right now... it might put my mind at ease to know that while yes, I'm obese, and yes, I'm at risk for a lot of things, I am not going to die of a heart attack before my 30th birthday.
I'm so tired.
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 284.4
Net Loss: +3.1
Loss-to-Date: -5.9
This is going to be short. I'm so angry/sad/upset/hurt/flabbergasted that I could spit. I'm so tired of this. I had a fairly decent week (or so I thought), and then this happens. I went into this weigh-in thinking that I could've possibly gotten out of the 280s once and for all... but nope. How about we jump three pounds further into them?
I want to give up so badly. I'm so tired of this heartache... I'm tired of thinking I did well only to see this pop up on the scale. I'm tired of seeing how easy it comes for other people and knowing that I'll never have it that easy. I'm tired of trying one new thing here and another new thing there to try and get myself straight either to only fail at trying or to succeed but have it make no difference.
I'm tired of being afraid of my weight. I'm tired of living every day waiting for the other foot to drop on my health and to suddenly not be okay anymore. I'm 29 years old but I live in daily fear of a heart attack (even though my blood pressure and cholesterol are okay, for the most part) because I know I'm doing myself no favors. I'm tired of the fear of not waking up in the morning and telling Derek three I love him three extra times before we fall asleep just in case I don't see another day with him. I'm tired of the fact that despite how irrational these fears sound, there's an element of truth to them that keeps me from being able to talk some sense into myself.
I'm so tired.
If I could just see a few consecutive weeks of weight loss, no matter how small, just to prove to myself that I'm doing something right... I think I would feel better. But I don't. I gain, then lose, then gain, then lose, then gain real big, then lose real little.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have a doctor's appointment next Friday to check my blood pressure (the last time I was there she wanted me to come back in a few months to re-check it, because it was a little high but she was chalking it up to nerves), and while I'm at it I'm going to ask about upping my Metformin dosage again. I'm also going to see if I can get her to tell me one way or the other how healthy/unhealthy I am right now... it might put my mind at ease to know that while yes, I'm obese, and yes, I'm at risk for a lot of things, I am not going to die of a heart attack before my 30th birthday.
I'm so tired.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Weigh-in and DUN DUN DUN -- I'm cutting back carbs.
I'm a week behind, so let's catch up:
May 11th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 282.2
Net Loss: +0.9
Loss-to-Date: -8.1
This week, May 18th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
If this week's weigh-in looks familiar, it's because it's exactly the same as two weeks ago. Yep, I went from 282.2 to 281.3, back to 282.2, and then back to 281.3. Last week I was a little under the weather and then had some other stuff going on and just couldn't get in the right headspace to write an entry.
This week... still not sure what to say but I'm annoyed as all get out about this yo-yoing. Yeah, I guess I am happy that it was a loss this week instead of another gain, but UGH could I please just get out of the 280s already? I would feel SO much better about myself if I could just break into the 270s. I was 277 when I got back into Weight Watchers in 2008... it would go a long way to at least be back where I started and not like, 15 pounds heavier.
Not sure what to attribute my success/failure of the past two weeks to. I haven't had a whole lot of bad food, but I haven't exactly overloaded on the good food either. I've really fallen off the wagon with tracking Points+ on WW... I'm contemplating whether I should keep doing it or switch to something easier like counting calories. On one hand, there's so much more that goes into eating healthfully than just calories; on the other hand, there's nothing simpler than the old mantra of "calories in vs. calories out", and a lot of people that I've spoken to seem to see value in just tracking calories. What do you all think?
Derek and I have also started trying to follow Bob Harper's Skinny Rules. I love Bob -- he's always been my favorite trainer on The Biggest Loser. He's always seemed to be a soft hardass, if that makes any sense. I mean, he knows his stuff, and he sees through everyone's excuses and forces you to challenge yourself, but he seems to accept that it isn't easy more than other popular celebrity trainers, including Jillian Michaels. In the Skinny Rules book, he really breaks everything down and explains why each rule is worth following, but understands that for someone like a typical contestant on TBL, it's difficult to make those kinds of changes overnight, and in some cases gives advice on how to 'step down' to make it a more sustainable lifestyle change. I really appreciate that. One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to getting healthy has always been trainers who are already fit and healthy and don't understand that it's not as easy for someone like me with a significant amount of weight to lose to just change all of their habits overnight. That's one of the things I don't like about Jillian Michaels, actually -- she actually was overweight once, and clearly is in shape now, but she's far too rigid for my tastes and typically ends up just screaming at her trainees. That just doesn't work for me.
While I'm on the subject of personal trainers, I'm remembering another experience I've had that soured me on the idea of paying someone to help me get fit -- several years ago (2008ish), a friend and I joined a local gym. The friend had had some success with a trainer years before, so she decided to sign up for one at this gym. I adamantly refused; I didn't want someone judging me and telling me what to do -- I needed to ease into it and go at my own pace. When my friend and I would go to the gym, she would spend 30 minutes with her trainer while I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then we'd spend another 30 minutes together doing strength training. I remember this one time, my friend, who had been going through a bit of a plateau phase and was having trouble breaking it, mentioned that her trainer suggested that I might be holding her back; that me not having a trainer was somehow keeping my friend from succeeding. Thankfully, my friend stood up for me and informed her trainer that I had actually been steadily losing weight (those were the days!), had my shit together, and wasn't plateauing like she was, so I certainly wasn't holding her back. (Later, after we both were plateauing or gaining, we did come to the conclusion that we were enabling each other and went our separate ways as far as our weight-loss journeys go, though we're still the best of friends!) This really soured me on personal training because it just seemed clear to me that no matter what I was doing, in the eyes of my trainer it wasn't going to be good enough, and I was just going to be judged. The bottom line is that I know my body. Yes, I fully admit that I don't always push myself to the outermost edge of my limits, but I know what I am and am not capable of, and what will and won't motivate me. As such, I'm not going to pay someone to tell me I'm out of shape, overweight, and need to overhaul my life. Any guidance I need can be gotten for free on the internet, thankyouverymuch.
Anyway, so back to these Skinny Rules. They're all pretty common sense, actually (especially for someone like me who is a virtual encyclopedia on how to be healthy -- even though I can't manage to actually practice what I preach), but Bob does a great job on explaining it and dumbing it down so that you really can't argue with what he's telling you to do. The toughest rule for Derek and I, so far, is eliminating carb intake after lunch. You want me to do WHAT now!? Not even healthy carbs?! (Nope, not even healthy carbs.) This one will take some time to settle into. I did buy some quinoa (which I haven't cooked in a LONG time) and some farro (which is totally mysterious to me but Bob swears by it), so at least my lunches will be interesting. I hope.
Some of the other more doable rules, like drinking a big glass of water before every meal/snack, and not drinking your calories, are much easier for us so we're chugging right along (get it? chugging? like a beverage? Bahaha, I'm a hoot!) with those.
I'm also trying to reach out to more PCOS sufferers (which I've been doing with the help of Reddit) for some ideas of what has helped them. The general consensus has been cutting out or waaaaaaaaaay back on carbs. Awesome. Have they met me? I guess I'll have to give it a try after all. Just not today, because I made a batch of yummy, healthy-ish pasta salad and I don't want it to go to waste (or to waist, for that matter... I crack me up!). The tough part, honestly, is going to be cutting back on fruit intake a bit too because even though it's a simple carb, it's still a carb. But I'm going to do my best. My first task will be to eliminate the bad carbs -- white potatoes, white pasta, etc; then I'll move to cutting back/out the better carbs. We'll see where that gets me, shall we?
Wish me luck! (For any of you who interact with me in person on a regular basis -- I apologize in advance if my lack of carbs makes me cranky!)
May 11th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 281.3
This Week: 282.2
Net Loss: +0.9
Loss-to-Date: -8.1
This week, May 18th:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
If this week's weigh-in looks familiar, it's because it's exactly the same as two weeks ago. Yep, I went from 282.2 to 281.3, back to 282.2, and then back to 281.3. Last week I was a little under the weather and then had some other stuff going on and just couldn't get in the right headspace to write an entry.
This week... still not sure what to say but I'm annoyed as all get out about this yo-yoing. Yeah, I guess I am happy that it was a loss this week instead of another gain, but UGH could I please just get out of the 280s already? I would feel SO much better about myself if I could just break into the 270s. I was 277 when I got back into Weight Watchers in 2008... it would go a long way to at least be back where I started and not like, 15 pounds heavier.
Not sure what to attribute my success/failure of the past two weeks to. I haven't had a whole lot of bad food, but I haven't exactly overloaded on the good food either. I've really fallen off the wagon with tracking Points+ on WW... I'm contemplating whether I should keep doing it or switch to something easier like counting calories. On one hand, there's so much more that goes into eating healthfully than just calories; on the other hand, there's nothing simpler than the old mantra of "calories in vs. calories out", and a lot of people that I've spoken to seem to see value in just tracking calories. What do you all think?
Derek and I have also started trying to follow Bob Harper's Skinny Rules. I love Bob -- he's always been my favorite trainer on The Biggest Loser. He's always seemed to be a soft hardass, if that makes any sense. I mean, he knows his stuff, and he sees through everyone's excuses and forces you to challenge yourself, but he seems to accept that it isn't easy more than other popular celebrity trainers, including Jillian Michaels. In the Skinny Rules book, he really breaks everything down and explains why each rule is worth following, but understands that for someone like a typical contestant on TBL, it's difficult to make those kinds of changes overnight, and in some cases gives advice on how to 'step down' to make it a more sustainable lifestyle change. I really appreciate that. One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to getting healthy has always been trainers who are already fit and healthy and don't understand that it's not as easy for someone like me with a significant amount of weight to lose to just change all of their habits overnight. That's one of the things I don't like about Jillian Michaels, actually -- she actually was overweight once, and clearly is in shape now, but she's far too rigid for my tastes and typically ends up just screaming at her trainees. That just doesn't work for me.
While I'm on the subject of personal trainers, I'm remembering another experience I've had that soured me on the idea of paying someone to help me get fit -- several years ago (2008ish), a friend and I joined a local gym. The friend had had some success with a trainer years before, so she decided to sign up for one at this gym. I adamantly refused; I didn't want someone judging me and telling me what to do -- I needed to ease into it and go at my own pace. When my friend and I would go to the gym, she would spend 30 minutes with her trainer while I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill, and then we'd spend another 30 minutes together doing strength training. I remember this one time, my friend, who had been going through a bit of a plateau phase and was having trouble breaking it, mentioned that her trainer suggested that I might be holding her back; that me not having a trainer was somehow keeping my friend from succeeding. Thankfully, my friend stood up for me and informed her trainer that I had actually been steadily losing weight (those were the days!), had my shit together, and wasn't plateauing like she was, so I certainly wasn't holding her back. (Later, after we both were plateauing or gaining, we did come to the conclusion that we were enabling each other and went our separate ways as far as our weight-loss journeys go, though we're still the best of friends!) This really soured me on personal training because it just seemed clear to me that no matter what I was doing, in the eyes of my trainer it wasn't going to be good enough, and I was just going to be judged. The bottom line is that I know my body. Yes, I fully admit that I don't always push myself to the outermost edge of my limits, but I know what I am and am not capable of, and what will and won't motivate me. As such, I'm not going to pay someone to tell me I'm out of shape, overweight, and need to overhaul my life. Any guidance I need can be gotten for free on the internet, thankyouverymuch.
Anyway, so back to these Skinny Rules. They're all pretty common sense, actually (especially for someone like me who is a virtual encyclopedia on how to be healthy -- even though I can't manage to actually practice what I preach), but Bob does a great job on explaining it and dumbing it down so that you really can't argue with what he's telling you to do. The toughest rule for Derek and I, so far, is eliminating carb intake after lunch. You want me to do WHAT now!? Not even healthy carbs?! (Nope, not even healthy carbs.) This one will take some time to settle into. I did buy some quinoa (which I haven't cooked in a LONG time) and some farro (which is totally mysterious to me but Bob swears by it), so at least my lunches will be interesting. I hope.
Some of the other more doable rules, like drinking a big glass of water before every meal/snack, and not drinking your calories, are much easier for us so we're chugging right along (get it? chugging? like a beverage? Bahaha, I'm a hoot!) with those.
I'm also trying to reach out to more PCOS sufferers (which I've been doing with the help of Reddit) for some ideas of what has helped them. The general consensus has been cutting out or waaaaaaaaaay back on carbs. Awesome. Have they met me? I guess I'll have to give it a try after all. Just not today, because I made a batch of yummy, healthy-ish pasta salad and I don't want it to go to waste (or to waist, for that matter... I crack me up!). The tough part, honestly, is going to be cutting back on fruit intake a bit too because even though it's a simple carb, it's still a carb. But I'm going to do my best. My first task will be to eliminate the bad carbs -- white potatoes, white pasta, etc; then I'll move to cutting back/out the better carbs. We'll see where that gets me, shall we?
Wish me luck! (For any of you who interact with me in person on a regular basis -- I apologize in advance if my lack of carbs makes me cranky!)
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Weigh-in and Getting Lazy
So this week...
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
So... I'm torn. On one hand, it would've been nice to see a higher number; on the other hand, I didn't deserve a higher number this week.
Derek and I got really lazy this week. We cooked on Monday and Tuesday but the rest of week we kinda... well... failed. Wednesday we had chinese food, Thursday we made BLTs and sweet potato fries (which I don't really count as cooking), and last night we had Chipotle (because I wasn't sure what my mouth could handle -- more on that in a second). I could wax poetic about how I don't know what happened, or cry about being frustrated, but there's really nothing I can say that makes sense here except that we got lazy and we'll do better this coming week.
Yesterday, as you probably saw on Facebook, I had a dental appointment. I was supposed to be getting a root canal for the tooth that broke on my honeymoon and I was preeeeeetty freakin' nervous about it. I'd never had one before and I had no idea what to expect. The dental assistant in the office swore that it wouldn't really hurt, especially since I wasn't already in pain, and I tried to believe her, but then I kept hearing and reading stories about people being in excruciating pain afterward. To top it off, my 15 year old niece had a root canal on Wednesday and based on her Facebook statuses, she wasn't feeling particularly great herself. I was a little bit of a wreck. But, I sucked it up and went, and lo and behold, I didn't actually need the root canal. The dentist started filing away (*shudder*) at the decay that was there and it didn't go down as far as he thought -- it hadn't reached my nerve, so there was no point in doing the root canal. However, he had just filed away a part of my tooth (in addition to the part that had already broken off), so he decided to go straight for the crown... the dental crown, that is. Forty-five minutes later, I became the proud (and sore) owner of a temporary crown... I go back in about a month for the permanent one... and a few fillings that I didn't know I needed. (The other dentist in the office, who I had initially seen, suggested that the few cavities I had were very small and not deep enough to fill yet so he was going to try to get them to heal themselves with fluoride... I've been using a fluoride mouthwash every day to try to get that to happen. That dentist has since retired, so the other dentist is taking over and apparently has a different idea. Bleh.). Now I get to spend the next month panicking about how bad THAT is going to hurt. :-\
Anyway, yesterday when I got home, I was okay for a little while because I was still mostly numb, but around 4:30 I went to CVS to fill the prescription for prescription-strength Aleve (essentially) and it started to hurt so bad I couldn't stand the thought of standing around for 20 minutes to wait for it to be filled. I came home, and Derek picked it up on his way home from work. I took a handful of ibuprofen in the meantime and didn't really get any relief until about 8:30ish. BOO. Dinner, as a result, was a tough call... and I opted for something I could take small bites of that was pretty soft -- a meatless burrito bowl from Chipotle. I couldn't get through it all, but I did get enough to not make me hate life and my stomach. I laid low for the rest of the evening, and I did manage to sleep okay, even after the ibuprofen wore off, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm still at a dull roar this morning but I'm about to take my first dose of the prescription so we'll see how that goes!
Aside from that, that's all I've got this week. No weight-loss revelations, just the usual renewed motivation to start over and do it better.
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.2
This Week: 281.3
Net Loss: -0.9
Loss-to-Date: -9.0
So... I'm torn. On one hand, it would've been nice to see a higher number; on the other hand, I didn't deserve a higher number this week.
Derek and I got really lazy this week. We cooked on Monday and Tuesday but the rest of week we kinda... well... failed. Wednesday we had chinese food, Thursday we made BLTs and sweet potato fries (which I don't really count as cooking), and last night we had Chipotle (because I wasn't sure what my mouth could handle -- more on that in a second). I could wax poetic about how I don't know what happened, or cry about being frustrated, but there's really nothing I can say that makes sense here except that we got lazy and we'll do better this coming week.
Yesterday, as you probably saw on Facebook, I had a dental appointment. I was supposed to be getting a root canal for the tooth that broke on my honeymoon and I was preeeeeetty freakin' nervous about it. I'd never had one before and I had no idea what to expect. The dental assistant in the office swore that it wouldn't really hurt, especially since I wasn't already in pain, and I tried to believe her, but then I kept hearing and reading stories about people being in excruciating pain afterward. To top it off, my 15 year old niece had a root canal on Wednesday and based on her Facebook statuses, she wasn't feeling particularly great herself. I was a little bit of a wreck. But, I sucked it up and went, and lo and behold, I didn't actually need the root canal. The dentist started filing away (*shudder*) at the decay that was there and it didn't go down as far as he thought -- it hadn't reached my nerve, so there was no point in doing the root canal. However, he had just filed away a part of my tooth (in addition to the part that had already broken off), so he decided to go straight for the crown... the dental crown, that is. Forty-five minutes later, I became the proud (and sore) owner of a temporary crown... I go back in about a month for the permanent one... and a few fillings that I didn't know I needed. (The other dentist in the office, who I had initially seen, suggested that the few cavities I had were very small and not deep enough to fill yet so he was going to try to get them to heal themselves with fluoride... I've been using a fluoride mouthwash every day to try to get that to happen. That dentist has since retired, so the other dentist is taking over and apparently has a different idea. Bleh.). Now I get to spend the next month panicking about how bad THAT is going to hurt. :-\
Anyway, yesterday when I got home, I was okay for a little while because I was still mostly numb, but around 4:30 I went to CVS to fill the prescription for prescription-strength Aleve (essentially) and it started to hurt so bad I couldn't stand the thought of standing around for 20 minutes to wait for it to be filled. I came home, and Derek picked it up on his way home from work. I took a handful of ibuprofen in the meantime and didn't really get any relief until about 8:30ish. BOO. Dinner, as a result, was a tough call... and I opted for something I could take small bites of that was pretty soft -- a meatless burrito bowl from Chipotle. I couldn't get through it all, but I did get enough to not make me hate life and my stomach. I laid low for the rest of the evening, and I did manage to sleep okay, even after the ibuprofen wore off, so I guess that's a good thing. I'm still at a dull roar this morning but I'm about to take my first dose of the prescription so we'll see how that goes!
Aside from that, that's all I've got this week. No weight-loss revelations, just the usual renewed motivation to start over and do it better.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Weigh-In and why Pinterest is my best friend
You know the drill... first the deets:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.4
This Week: 282.2
Net Loss: -0.2
Loss-to-Date: -8.1
Okay, so these aren't exactly earth-shatteringly exciting numbers. But, it's a loss, and considering how much I wibble-wobbled (I've decided that this is a perfectly valid phrase) this week, I'll take it. I frickin' had chinese food for dinner last night. I should've posted a 5 pound gain just on the basis of my sodium intake alone. But alas, I somehow got lucky and I will not complain. I will, however, do better this week.
Usually I spend my weekly posts analyzing what I did that week or complaining about how hard this is. For the most part I think that's necessary because I can go back later and see what my trends are. For example, I know that the weeks where I gain are the weeks where I've eaten out too much (or sometimes at all), and the weeks where I lose the most are the ones where I've had, obviously, better food, but I had a more positive attitude. Those things are vital for me to stay on track and keep going. However, I know that it can get pretty old for those of you who are reading this from the outside, so I'm going to try to change it up. I'm going to try and think of actual topics for my posts as opposed to just vent sessions. I started out kind of doing thing but ran out of ideas, haha. I shall try again!
So this week, I decided I wanted to talk about where some of my motivation for not eating out has come from: Pinterest! In the beginning, Pinterest was primarily a method for me to pin Christmas decorating ideas and homemade gifts, and baked goods. Ooohhhhhh the baked goods. I started occasionally pinning real meal ideas and things sort of took off from there. Now I have 18 different boards (see for yourself -- click the link!) where I pin everything from craft ideas to funny quotes to desserts to books I want to read. But since I've had the account, the board that has become the most important to me is my "If My Kitchen Were Bigger, I'd Cook Every Day" board. This is the board where I pin the things that I see that look tasty enough for me to try and put into rotation on Derek and I's weekly menu. There are several things on that board that I'll probably never cook because they're just wayyyy too fat-kid, and they're there because they'd be yummy in theory. But for the most part, all of the recipes are ones that are either good for me by nature or can be made better. And, I've finally gotten slightly more organized and created another board for the Recipes I've Tried. It has a long way to go, as there are only 15 pins on it so far (and some of those are ones that I'm planning to try soon -- as in, they're already on a menu plan), but it'll be pretty useful in identifying the things we liked and didn't like, and maybe even giving ideas to any of my friends who want to take a look at what I've cooked for their own inspiration.
I have a billion and fifty cookbooks that cover a variety of 'genres' of cooking: healthy, slow cooker, quick & easy, Weight Watchers, Joy of Cooking, Mexican, Italian, Asian... you name it, I probably have it in cookbook form. But Pinterest offers some things that cookbooks can't. First of all, I'm a very visual person. I'm one of those people that really does judge a book by its cover. I have a hard time deciding if a recipe is going to be tasty if I can't see what it looks like. Pinterest helps with that. For one thing, several of the cookbooks I've accumulated don't have pictures of every recipe (if any -- I'm looking at you, Joy of Cooking!). This leads to me skipping over recipes that may be really good because I just can't visualize what it will taste like (I'll give you a minute to simmer on how ridiculous that sounds). For another thing, most Pinterest pins are actual photos of the recipe as it's prepared... typically by one of hundreds of bloggers far more ambitious than I. Not only do I typically get step-by-step photos of what things should look like at each part of the recipe, but I know that the photo of the end result is far more likely to closely resemble what I end up with. Yeah, they use creative lighting and really awesome cameras, and somehow all of them maintain a sparkling clean kitchen while I end up with every dish I own in the sink... and they can "style" their food to make it look good, but have you ever actually seen how cookbook photos are taken? Sometimes the food they photograph isn't even cooked completely... or there are fillers in it to make it look bigger and heartier... there are essentially makeup artists for food. It's essentially akin to comparing magazine photos to Facebook photos. The photos in cookbooks aren't food, they're props. Photoshopped. Cleaned up. Your average food blogger doesn't have time in her day to perfectly stage a meal she's just spent hours preparing and photographing and writing about. It's more real. And I happen to like real.
Secondly, on Pinterest you can tell by how many times it's been pinned how popular it is...which is a better indicator that it's actually a really good recipe. Granted, there are probably thousands of people just like me who pin recipes that look delicious and never actually cook them, but there are always a few people who have prepared the recipe and left comments -- either on Pinterest or on a blog -- about how delicious it is, or what it was missing and how to make it better. This is incredibly valuable information because it means I don't have to spend money on food that may not be what I was hoping for it to be.
The bottom line is that Pinterest has helped me make great strides in preparing our meal plan each week and sticking to it. At least for the most part, anyway. And this is without mentioning all the great ideas I've gotten from Pinterest for preparing meals ahead of time or bulk preparing meals to keep in my (teeny tiny) freezer. If you're not using Pinterest to its full potential, you should be! :)
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 282.4
This Week: 282.2
Net Loss: -0.2
Loss-to-Date: -8.1
Okay, so these aren't exactly earth-shatteringly exciting numbers. But, it's a loss, and considering how much I wibble-wobbled (I've decided that this is a perfectly valid phrase) this week, I'll take it. I frickin' had chinese food for dinner last night. I should've posted a 5 pound gain just on the basis of my sodium intake alone. But alas, I somehow got lucky and I will not complain. I will, however, do better this week.
Usually I spend my weekly posts analyzing what I did that week or complaining about how hard this is. For the most part I think that's necessary because I can go back later and see what my trends are. For example, I know that the weeks where I gain are the weeks where I've eaten out too much (or sometimes at all), and the weeks where I lose the most are the ones where I've had, obviously, better food, but I had a more positive attitude. Those things are vital for me to stay on track and keep going. However, I know that it can get pretty old for those of you who are reading this from the outside, so I'm going to try to change it up. I'm going to try and think of actual topics for my posts as opposed to just vent sessions. I started out kind of doing thing but ran out of ideas, haha. I shall try again!
So this week, I decided I wanted to talk about where some of my motivation for not eating out has come from: Pinterest! In the beginning, Pinterest was primarily a method for me to pin Christmas decorating ideas and homemade gifts, and baked goods. Ooohhhhhh the baked goods. I started occasionally pinning real meal ideas and things sort of took off from there. Now I have 18 different boards (see for yourself -- click the link!) where I pin everything from craft ideas to funny quotes to desserts to books I want to read. But since I've had the account, the board that has become the most important to me is my "If My Kitchen Were Bigger, I'd Cook Every Day" board. This is the board where I pin the things that I see that look tasty enough for me to try and put into rotation on Derek and I's weekly menu. There are several things on that board that I'll probably never cook because they're just wayyyy too fat-kid, and they're there because they'd be yummy in theory. But for the most part, all of the recipes are ones that are either good for me by nature or can be made better. And, I've finally gotten slightly more organized and created another board for the Recipes I've Tried. It has a long way to go, as there are only 15 pins on it so far (and some of those are ones that I'm planning to try soon -- as in, they're already on a menu plan), but it'll be pretty useful in identifying the things we liked and didn't like, and maybe even giving ideas to any of my friends who want to take a look at what I've cooked for their own inspiration.
I have a billion and fifty cookbooks that cover a variety of 'genres' of cooking: healthy, slow cooker, quick & easy, Weight Watchers, Joy of Cooking, Mexican, Italian, Asian... you name it, I probably have it in cookbook form. But Pinterest offers some things that cookbooks can't. First of all, I'm a very visual person. I'm one of those people that really does judge a book by its cover. I have a hard time deciding if a recipe is going to be tasty if I can't see what it looks like. Pinterest helps with that. For one thing, several of the cookbooks I've accumulated don't have pictures of every recipe (if any -- I'm looking at you, Joy of Cooking!). This leads to me skipping over recipes that may be really good because I just can't visualize what it will taste like (I'll give you a minute to simmer on how ridiculous that sounds). For another thing, most Pinterest pins are actual photos of the recipe as it's prepared... typically by one of hundreds of bloggers far more ambitious than I. Not only do I typically get step-by-step photos of what things should look like at each part of the recipe, but I know that the photo of the end result is far more likely to closely resemble what I end up with. Yeah, they use creative lighting and really awesome cameras, and somehow all of them maintain a sparkling clean kitchen while I end up with every dish I own in the sink... and they can "style" their food to make it look good, but have you ever actually seen how cookbook photos are taken? Sometimes the food they photograph isn't even cooked completely... or there are fillers in it to make it look bigger and heartier... there are essentially makeup artists for food. It's essentially akin to comparing magazine photos to Facebook photos. The photos in cookbooks aren't food, they're props. Photoshopped. Cleaned up. Your average food blogger doesn't have time in her day to perfectly stage a meal she's just spent hours preparing and photographing and writing about. It's more real. And I happen to like real.
Secondly, on Pinterest you can tell by how many times it's been pinned how popular it is...which is a better indicator that it's actually a really good recipe. Granted, there are probably thousands of people just like me who pin recipes that look delicious and never actually cook them, but there are always a few people who have prepared the recipe and left comments -- either on Pinterest or on a blog -- about how delicious it is, or what it was missing and how to make it better. This is incredibly valuable information because it means I don't have to spend money on food that may not be what I was hoping for it to be.
The bottom line is that Pinterest has helped me make great strides in preparing our meal plan each week and sticking to it. At least for the most part, anyway. And this is without mentioning all the great ideas I've gotten from Pinterest for preparing meals ahead of time or bulk preparing meals to keep in my (teeny tiny) freezer. If you're not using Pinterest to its full potential, you should be! :)
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Mid-Week Update: Trying to Stay Focused
I'm starting to think the key to my success is talking about it more. I know, that sounds weird, and frankly I can't imagine why anyone would want to listen to me whine about how much sodium is in a bowl of Ramen. However, I've noticed that on Saturday afternoons or Sundays, right after I've posted my weekly weigh-in, I feel the most motivated because a) I feel like I'm being accountable to myself and other people, and b) some of you guys give me some really great advice and/or encouragement. The challenge is knowing what to write about in that second weekly post without it turning into a bitch session or just complaining about how life is so hard. I guess it can't hurt to give it a shot, though.
This week has been a little rough so far, but I'm not counting out a loss just yet. Derek and I have been a little lazy in the making lunch department this week and due to that and some good old fashioned peer pressure, I've made a couple of pretty shitty choices. Monday, I didn't have a lunch prepared and my coworker invited me to come along with her for lunch on her hunt for french fries. Obviously, I knew this was a bad idea (for me -- I'm not in the business of judging others) but I decided I would tag along anyway because I already didn't have a lunch so I was going to have to go out anyway. I figured that wherever we went would have SOMETHING healthy I could eat so it'd be fine. Yeah, no. Not all that surprisingly, the area I work in in health-conscious Arlington County has a dearth of lunch-friendly options that offer french fries. We ended up at Jerry's Subs and I got a chicken cheesesteak. And fries. What the hell, Sarah. You're better than that!
I made up for it at dinner by having a huge salad and a very, very small portion of pasta (we made this, a recipe I found on pinterest). I only made enough for one serving for each of us, and as it turns out, I didn't really like it all that much (I'm the worst Italian alive and don't really like the taste of olive oil. Go figure) so I probably choked down about half of it before turning my undivided attention to my salad.
Then, yesterday, since there were no leftovers from the night before (not that I would've wanted to eat them anyway), I didn't have anything to bring, nor time to make something. I know, I know, I should've made something the night before, even a sandwich. Shhh... let me tell my story. Initially I planned to do something light, like a salad or a lighter sandwich (read: not a cheesesteak), but instead was magnetically drawn to the District Taco food truck where I got myself one of their big, honkin' $7 burritos that are better than Chipotle (don't tell Derek I said that) and ate THE WHOLE THING. What in the hell, Sarah. What in the actual hell.
Last night when we got home from work I wasn't feeling all that great (ya think?) so I wasn't in the mood for cooking. We had planned to make oven-baked fajitas (another Pinterest recipe!) but with feeling icky I just couldn't get there. I AM happy to report, though, that I stood my ground on not ordering dinner or otherwise eating out, and instead had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.... and a bowl of ramen. Apparently I'm having flashbacks to college. I know the salt content of ramen is out of control awful, but it hit the spot and I feel like I still could've done much worse. I could have had ramen with a side of cheesesteak. Ack.
Today is another challenge. We didn't cook anything, and although I was tempted, I didn't bring another pb&j to lunch today. I've already been researching where I want to go for a big honkin' salad (because I've been craving one for weeks now)... and I think I have some options narrowed down.
I know I need to do better and I'm hoping that I can use the rest of the week to get it right. I'm not giving up on seeing a loss on that scale this week... but I guess I should prepare myself -- and you all, my loyal readers -- for the worst, and the bitchfest that follows.
So I guess my question is this... how do I make bringing work to lunch more fun? Usually, when I have leftovers of something, it's not a problem. I pre-pack them after dinner so all we have to do in the morning is grab and go... but when I don't cook, I end up giving up and buying lunch because I just don't see any other choice. Sandwiches I make at home are never as good as ones bought elsewhere. Also, I hate 99.9% of those frozen lunch things like Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones and stuff -- it feels like I'm not eating actual food, I'm just eating flavored cardboard. Besides, whatever is added to those things to make them survive the freezer can't be good for you. How do I get un-lazy and re-motivated to make a yummy, interesting, quick lunch that will keep me from ruining my progress... and my bank account?
This week has been a little rough so far, but I'm not counting out a loss just yet. Derek and I have been a little lazy in the making lunch department this week and due to that and some good old fashioned peer pressure, I've made a couple of pretty shitty choices. Monday, I didn't have a lunch prepared and my coworker invited me to come along with her for lunch on her hunt for french fries. Obviously, I knew this was a bad idea (for me -- I'm not in the business of judging others) but I decided I would tag along anyway because I already didn't have a lunch so I was going to have to go out anyway. I figured that wherever we went would have SOMETHING healthy I could eat so it'd be fine. Yeah, no. Not all that surprisingly, the area I work in in health-conscious Arlington County has a dearth of lunch-friendly options that offer french fries. We ended up at Jerry's Subs and I got a chicken cheesesteak. And fries. What the hell, Sarah. You're better than that!
I made up for it at dinner by having a huge salad and a very, very small portion of pasta (we made this, a recipe I found on pinterest). I only made enough for one serving for each of us, and as it turns out, I didn't really like it all that much (I'm the worst Italian alive and don't really like the taste of olive oil. Go figure) so I probably choked down about half of it before turning my undivided attention to my salad.
Then, yesterday, since there were no leftovers from the night before (not that I would've wanted to eat them anyway), I didn't have anything to bring, nor time to make something. I know, I know, I should've made something the night before, even a sandwich. Shhh... let me tell my story. Initially I planned to do something light, like a salad or a lighter sandwich (read: not a cheesesteak), but instead was magnetically drawn to the District Taco food truck where I got myself one of their big, honkin' $7 burritos that are better than Chipotle (don't tell Derek I said that) and ate THE WHOLE THING. What in the hell, Sarah. What in the actual hell.
Last night when we got home from work I wasn't feeling all that great (ya think?) so I wasn't in the mood for cooking. We had planned to make oven-baked fajitas (another Pinterest recipe!) but with feeling icky I just couldn't get there. I AM happy to report, though, that I stood my ground on not ordering dinner or otherwise eating out, and instead had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.... and a bowl of ramen. Apparently I'm having flashbacks to college. I know the salt content of ramen is out of control awful, but it hit the spot and I feel like I still could've done much worse. I could have had ramen with a side of cheesesteak. Ack.
Today is another challenge. We didn't cook anything, and although I was tempted, I didn't bring another pb&j to lunch today. I've already been researching where I want to go for a big honkin' salad (because I've been craving one for weeks now)... and I think I have some options narrowed down.
I know I need to do better and I'm hoping that I can use the rest of the week to get it right. I'm not giving up on seeing a loss on that scale this week... but I guess I should prepare myself -- and you all, my loyal readers -- for the worst, and the bitchfest that follows.
So I guess my question is this... how do I make bringing work to lunch more fun? Usually, when I have leftovers of something, it's not a problem. I pre-pack them after dinner so all we have to do in the morning is grab and go... but when I don't cook, I end up giving up and buying lunch because I just don't see any other choice. Sandwiches I make at home are never as good as ones bought elsewhere. Also, I hate 99.9% of those frozen lunch things like Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones and stuff -- it feels like I'm not eating actual food, I'm just eating flavored cardboard. Besides, whatever is added to those things to make them survive the freezer can't be good for you. How do I get un-lazy and re-motivated to make a yummy, interesting, quick lunch that will keep me from ruining my progress... and my bank account?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Some Good News and a Mini-Milestone
As usual, let's start with the details:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 284.9
This Week: 282.4
Net Loss: -2.5
Loss-to-Date: -7.9
Yay! Two weeks in a row with a loss. I would've loved to see a bigger one, but I know that's just not something my body can apparently do. I'm happy to see this number go down, but part of me is hesitant to get excited about it because it's almost as though I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... Like, yeah, it's a loss now, but next week I'll probably gain 3 and all my progress will be lost so why should I bother getting excited about it? I can't decide if this line of thinking is good or not. On one hand, I should celebrate my successes, no matter how small; on the other hand, being realistic that this isn't a gravy train and I have to work hard for every ounce I lose, thereby not letting myself get TOO celebratory and fall off the wagon (which has happened before) is probably in my favor. I guess I should just call this "cautious optimism". Go me.
This weigh-in brings a miniature milestone of sorts. I was looking back through my log since I started (this time...) and this is the lowest I've been since I started this. It sounds like a given... but my numbers have fluctuated so much since I started that that's not actually true. My lowest prior to this was 282.6 at the February 2nd weigh-in.
My next mini-celebration will be when I finally get out of the 280s once and for all. With another loss like this week's, I could see that number next week! That's something to look forward to, right?
Anyway, I attribute my success this week to a renewed and fervent desire to cook. We've cooked every meal this week, and while we didn't have leftovers to take to lunch every day, on those days I made makeshift lunches out of fruit and other healthy snacks (mostly fruit). It wasn't that much, but it was enough to tide me over until dinner time. We cooked every evening and I'm very proud of that. Also I'm proud of the fact that last Sunday I made macaroons to take to work for my coworkers (story time: we always have a cake or something of some sort for birthdays... usually my boss buys it from Whole Foods but a couple weeks ago, one of our coworkers was having a birthday and I volunteered to make cupcakes. Well, another one of my coworkers recently discovered she has a gluten sensitivity and has gone gluten-free, so any time we have these cakes -- or any other treats brought in for any other purpose -- she literally just sniffs at them and walks away. I felt really bad about this, so I decided to make macaroons -- her birthday isn't until October but there's been months and months of treats she couldn't eat. Macaroons are delicious, gluten-free, and crowd-pleasing, so they were enjoyed by everyone... which is why I didn't try to de-glutenize a standard flour-laden recipe. Sometimes those don't work out so well, lol.). Anyway, I managed to mostly keep my hands out of them (though I did have to sample my own work, of course!) and I'm pretty proud of that. Got some rave reviews though so I may have to make them again.
I guess I could pontificate some more on what made me successful this week but I think instead I'm just going to start focusing on not taking it for granted. I think a lot of times we (okay, I) get so excited about a success that I stop trying, kinda feeling like "I got this". Honestly, I feel like this holds true for most people, in most situations, not just weight loss. We get smug when we win something or are successful or are otherwise praised or complimented, and we somehow instantly forget all the hard work it required... we rest on our laurels and then before you know it, our progress is lost because we didn't maintain the effort. I think I'm going to try to stop taking all of my successes for granted, not just weight loss. Maybe that's a lesson we all should learn?
On that note -- have a great week everyone! <3
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 284.9
This Week: 282.4
Net Loss: -2.5
Loss-to-Date: -7.9
Yay! Two weeks in a row with a loss. I would've loved to see a bigger one, but I know that's just not something my body can apparently do. I'm happy to see this number go down, but part of me is hesitant to get excited about it because it's almost as though I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... Like, yeah, it's a loss now, but next week I'll probably gain 3 and all my progress will be lost so why should I bother getting excited about it? I can't decide if this line of thinking is good or not. On one hand, I should celebrate my successes, no matter how small; on the other hand, being realistic that this isn't a gravy train and I have to work hard for every ounce I lose, thereby not letting myself get TOO celebratory and fall off the wagon (which has happened before) is probably in my favor. I guess I should just call this "cautious optimism". Go me.
This weigh-in brings a miniature milestone of sorts. I was looking back through my log since I started (this time...) and this is the lowest I've been since I started this. It sounds like a given... but my numbers have fluctuated so much since I started that that's not actually true. My lowest prior to this was 282.6 at the February 2nd weigh-in.
My next mini-celebration will be when I finally get out of the 280s once and for all. With another loss like this week's, I could see that number next week! That's something to look forward to, right?
Anyway, I attribute my success this week to a renewed and fervent desire to cook. We've cooked every meal this week, and while we didn't have leftovers to take to lunch every day, on those days I made makeshift lunches out of fruit and other healthy snacks (mostly fruit). It wasn't that much, but it was enough to tide me over until dinner time. We cooked every evening and I'm very proud of that. Also I'm proud of the fact that last Sunday I made macaroons to take to work for my coworkers (story time: we always have a cake or something of some sort for birthdays... usually my boss buys it from Whole Foods but a couple weeks ago, one of our coworkers was having a birthday and I volunteered to make cupcakes. Well, another one of my coworkers recently discovered she has a gluten sensitivity and has gone gluten-free, so any time we have these cakes -- or any other treats brought in for any other purpose -- she literally just sniffs at them and walks away. I felt really bad about this, so I decided to make macaroons -- her birthday isn't until October but there's been months and months of treats she couldn't eat. Macaroons are delicious, gluten-free, and crowd-pleasing, so they were enjoyed by everyone... which is why I didn't try to de-glutenize a standard flour-laden recipe. Sometimes those don't work out so well, lol.). Anyway, I managed to mostly keep my hands out of them (though I did have to sample my own work, of course!) and I'm pretty proud of that. Got some rave reviews though so I may have to make them again.
I guess I could pontificate some more on what made me successful this week but I think instead I'm just going to start focusing on not taking it for granted. I think a lot of times we (okay, I) get so excited about a success that I stop trying, kinda feeling like "I got this". Honestly, I feel like this holds true for most people, in most situations, not just weight loss. We get smug when we win something or are successful or are otherwise praised or complimented, and we somehow instantly forget all the hard work it required... we rest on our laurels and then before you know it, our progress is lost because we didn't maintain the effort. I think I'm going to try to stop taking all of my successes for granted, not just weight loss. Maybe that's a lesson we all should learn?
On that note -- have a great week everyone! <3
Saturday, April 13, 2013
I Don't Even Know Anymore...
Sorry for the week-long hiatus, ya'll. Last week's number was not pretty, and while I really didn't want to own up to it, mostly I just didn't know what to say. But I've never been anything but forthcoming and honest on this blog and I didn't want to start picking and choosing what I share. That's not fair. So... I'm fessing up, and then picking up where I left off with this week's weigh in.
First, last week's dreadful weigh-in:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 283.5
This Week: 286.9
Net Loss: +3.4
Loss-to-Date: -3.4
And this week's less dreadful weigh-in:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 286.9
This Week: 284.9
Net Loss: -2.0
Loss-to-Date: -5.4
I just don't even know. The only thing I can say about last week's massive gain is a) I don't know how it's possible that I ate over TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND calories more than I burned, and b) it's punishment for the loss over the course of my wedding/honeymoon.
I'm honestly stumped here. We weren't perfect that week but we cooked more and made much better choices than you'd expect someone to have made if they told you they gained three pounds.
I'm glad to see the number going back in the right direction this week but I was kinda hoping it was a fluke and that this week's number would've been lower than my weigh-in two weeks ago. I guess I was hoping I could just pretend last week didn't exist.
To say that I'm bummed is the understatement of the century. It's really frustrating and if I'm being brutally honest, it makes me want to give up. This shouldn't be happening. It'd be one thing if it was just my food intake and exercise (or lack thereof), but I'm on medication that is supposed to be making this easier!!! I am swallowing 1500mgs of a fucking chemical every single day that is supposed to make my body stop fighting itself and make it let go of this fat and it's not working. My dosage has already been increased once... does this mean I need to increase it again? And what does it mean for me if it just doesn't work?
I'm so tired. I'm tired of being fat, I'm tired of feeling unhealthy, I'm tired of being on the precipice of a million weight-related health problems, I'm tired of making good choices and having it be for naught. I don't know if I should be mad at myself, or mad at my biology, or mad at my scale, or what. It's just really, really frustrating.
And the worst part is that I want to throw in the towel sometimes but I know I can't. Aside from the whole "winners never quit" philosophy, and all the mushy, feel-goody reasons I should stick with it... I can't quit. I've paid more attention to how bad food makes me feel and I don't like it. I still falter and eat it sometimes, and then I regret it. If I gave up, I'd just be miserable all the time. But that knowledge apparently isn't helping me because even though over the past couple weeks even Derek has noticed that I've been taking smaller portions, picking better food to eat, and knowing when to say "I'm full, I'm not eating anymore" and push my plate away, I'm still not seeing the results I'd hoped for. Metformin was supposed to be my little miracle. I do the hard work of making the right food choices and trying to move more, and my little orange pills were supposed to make me lose more weight than I would without it. And if that's the case, what the hell would last week have looked like WITHOUT Metformin? Good lord, I don't even want to think about it.
I know I just have to get back on the horse. I don't really have a choice. At this point it's not even about being a go-getter and having a positive attitude... I honestly don't have a choice. I still have to make good food choices even though I just wanna fuckin curl up on the couch with a bowl of chocolate chip cookies and stay there forever. It's starting to not feel like this awesome, life-affirming, life-changing journey I'm on and more like punishment or a chore. Like a life sentence to never be able to eat without careful calculation ever again.
I know that I won't get anywhere if I don't try to see the bright side, but I'm struggling to see even a sliver of sunshine here. I guess I could say losing two pounds this week is a bright side, but not to me when I consider that I'm still over a pound up from where I was two weeks ago.
Argh. PCOS can go eff itself. And so can the 3.4 pounds I gained last week.
Back on the horse I go, I guess. :-\
First, last week's dreadful weigh-in:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 283.5
This Week: 286.9
Net Loss: +3.4
Loss-to-Date: -3.4
And this week's less dreadful weigh-in:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Weigh-in: 286.9
This Week: 284.9
Net Loss: -2.0
Loss-to-Date: -5.4
I just don't even know. The only thing I can say about last week's massive gain is a) I don't know how it's possible that I ate over TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND calories more than I burned, and b) it's punishment for the loss over the course of my wedding/honeymoon.
I'm honestly stumped here. We weren't perfect that week but we cooked more and made much better choices than you'd expect someone to have made if they told you they gained three pounds.
I'm glad to see the number going back in the right direction this week but I was kinda hoping it was a fluke and that this week's number would've been lower than my weigh-in two weeks ago. I guess I was hoping I could just pretend last week didn't exist.
To say that I'm bummed is the understatement of the century. It's really frustrating and if I'm being brutally honest, it makes me want to give up. This shouldn't be happening. It'd be one thing if it was just my food intake and exercise (or lack thereof), but I'm on medication that is supposed to be making this easier!!! I am swallowing 1500mgs of a fucking chemical every single day that is supposed to make my body stop fighting itself and make it let go of this fat and it's not working. My dosage has already been increased once... does this mean I need to increase it again? And what does it mean for me if it just doesn't work?
I'm so tired. I'm tired of being fat, I'm tired of feeling unhealthy, I'm tired of being on the precipice of a million weight-related health problems, I'm tired of making good choices and having it be for naught. I don't know if I should be mad at myself, or mad at my biology, or mad at my scale, or what. It's just really, really frustrating.
And the worst part is that I want to throw in the towel sometimes but I know I can't. Aside from the whole "winners never quit" philosophy, and all the mushy, feel-goody reasons I should stick with it... I can't quit. I've paid more attention to how bad food makes me feel and I don't like it. I still falter and eat it sometimes, and then I regret it. If I gave up, I'd just be miserable all the time. But that knowledge apparently isn't helping me because even though over the past couple weeks even Derek has noticed that I've been taking smaller portions, picking better food to eat, and knowing when to say "I'm full, I'm not eating anymore" and push my plate away, I'm still not seeing the results I'd hoped for. Metformin was supposed to be my little miracle. I do the hard work of making the right food choices and trying to move more, and my little orange pills were supposed to make me lose more weight than I would without it. And if that's the case, what the hell would last week have looked like WITHOUT Metformin? Good lord, I don't even want to think about it.
I know I just have to get back on the horse. I don't really have a choice. At this point it's not even about being a go-getter and having a positive attitude... I honestly don't have a choice. I still have to make good food choices even though I just wanna fuckin curl up on the couch with a bowl of chocolate chip cookies and stay there forever. It's starting to not feel like this awesome, life-affirming, life-changing journey I'm on and more like punishment or a chore. Like a life sentence to never be able to eat without careful calculation ever again.
I know that I won't get anywhere if I don't try to see the bright side, but I'm struggling to see even a sliver of sunshine here. I guess I could say losing two pounds this week is a bright side, but not to me when I consider that I'm still over a pound up from where I was two weeks ago.
Argh. PCOS can go eff itself. And so can the 3.4 pounds I gained last week.
Back on the horse I go, I guess. :-\
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