It's that time again... weigh in! Not exactly what I wanted to see, but better than nothing, I suppose:
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Week: 286.0
This Week: 285.8
Net Loss: - 0.2
Loss-to-Date: 4.5
See what I mean? It's tough to be upset because it WAS a loss, after all, but... meh. I should be losing more than this. So let's try to figure out where I went wrong this week:
We ate out a bit. On Saturday, we had date night... and I am ashamed to say that neither Derek or myself can remember what we actually did. I'm almost positive it involved eating out, though. On Sunday we drove down to Fredericksburg to meet up with one of my bridesmaids and best friends, Bekah. We intended to go to Hobby Lobby but forgot they're closed on Sundays, so we ended up just doing lunch... at Buffalo Wild Wings. I know, I know, what the hell was I thinking? I was thinking that I could loosen the reigns a little and have some fun, and just spend the rest of the week getting on track. On Monday night, we had a triple date with Amanda and her hubby, and another bridesmaid, Sara, and her hubby, at our local hibachi restaurant. Derek and I split a spicy salmon roll (sushi) and I got steamed rice and the hibachi vegetables (which I didn't even manage to eat half of -- they give you a LOT of vegetables!). I'm sure there was a lot of oil and stuff involved in this so despite being veggies I'm sure it wasn't awesome. (I have a really hard time saying no to yum-yum sauce!)
The rest of the week went as normal -- we made lunches, we cooked dinners. We had a mixup in our meal plan and had Friday's dinner on Thursday, which led us to not have meat thawed for Friday's dinner. We gave ourselves two options: go out to the store and pick up some meat to cook, or order in. Well, due to some sort of miracle willpower, I put my foot down and decided we weren't going to order in. But... it was snowing! Who in their right mind would go out in this on purpose!? So, we raided the fridge and freezer instead and found some stuffed sole fillets and baked potatoes we purchased with a Groupon deal from Omaha Steaks once upon a time. Throw in a bag of broccoli and we had ourselves a meal! (Side note: the fish was gross and the potatoes were weird -- though Derek liked them -- so I didn't eat all of either of them. Just my broccoli!)
So... I guess the bottom line is that I more or less know where I went wrong. I essentially did an okay job of righting the wrongs from earlier in the week, but could've done better. I'll know better this week! :)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Results Are In...
I normally don't post until Tuesday but this week's first post will be a little early!
My nurse practitioner, Nancy, called me this morning with the results from the blood work I had on Friday so I thought I'd share.
First, I must say, I was absolutely astounded that the results were back so soon. Literally, my blood was drawn on Friday at like 8:00am. I wasn't expecting to know anything for a week at least. At past doctors, I never found out anything! (Mostly my fault, but no one ever called with results and I got too busy to remember to harass them). I'm definitely liking this. Derek hasn't gotten his results though, so not sure what is up with that. Maybe his nurse was out today.
Anyway. As I mentioned in my "Pissed Off" post, in addition to a CBC, they did a lipid panel (for cholesterol), checked my thyroid, A1C, and did a fasting glucose test. I'm happy to report that despite my initial panic-mode, there is no bad news! There is some slightly-less-than-awesome news, but despite what I frequently have myself believe, I am not near death! WOOHOO!
My thyroid and CBC were fine. I am not anemic (which I feared I might be due to my low-meat diet and how tired I always am), and my white and red blood cell counts were good.
My total cholesterol is 177 -- "desirable" is under 200. Yay!
My triglycerides level is 165 -- "borderline high" - Meh, but could be worse!
My HDL is 43 -- for women, above 50 is better but above 60 is best. This needs work, but again, could be worse!
My LDL is 101 -- the chart I found says this is "near ideal" but under 100 is best. Not bad!
My liver function is apparently slightly elevated at 44 -- not sure what value that represents but Nancy said that normal is around 40, and usually they don't start worrying about elevated liver functioning until you're at like three times normal. So I'm okay.
My A1C was 6, and the range for increased risk of diabetes is 5.7-6.4. So I'm smack dab in the middle of that.
And finally, my fasting blood glucose was 103, a little elevated. (Normal is 70-100).
But here's the rub: Nancy mentioned that, especially with the glucose levels, she would've expected slightly better results given the fact that I'm already on Metformin, so these numbers could potentially indicate that I am diabetic. Her words were "but I'm just not ready to say that yet." However, as I mentioned before, it's her belief that I'm just not on the right dosage, so she upped it. I was taking a 500mg tablet twice a day -- once with breakfast and once with dinner. Now, I am taking two 750mg 'extended release' tablets once a day -- just with dinner. She strongly believes that this will work better for me and that this will not only get things under control, but will help me shed some weight a little more easily.
So, all in all, I'm not completely out of the woods. I still have a lot of work to do, but I knew that long before they stuck the needle in my arm. The thing that I am taking from this is that I am not a lost cause. I am not "too far gone", and I can recover from this and live the healthy life I know I deserve. I mentioned to Nancy that I lost almost 3 pounds this week and she was so happy for me! She asked what I'd been doing differently and when I sheepishly said "paying attention to portions and not eating out at all" she said "see what a difference that makes!?" So, I know I'm doing the right thing, I just need to stick with it and be patient. Yay. :)
With that said, I am now celebrating with a Slurpee. :) Back story: When I was a kid, my pediatrician's office was located, well, actually, in the same apartment complex I live in now. Right next door is a 7-11. So, after any doctor visit, if I was a good, brave girl, my mom would take me next door and let me get a Slurpee. The tradition remained even into adulthood (even though my trips to the doctor were mostly non-existent until the past few years or so). However, I kinda forgot about it the other week when I had my appointment, and again on Friday when I got my blood work. So I treated myself tonight to a big, delicious, sugar-free Slurpee, for old times' sake. Yummmm. :)
My nurse practitioner, Nancy, called me this morning with the results from the blood work I had on Friday so I thought I'd share.
First, I must say, I was absolutely astounded that the results were back so soon. Literally, my blood was drawn on Friday at like 8:00am. I wasn't expecting to know anything for a week at least. At past doctors, I never found out anything! (Mostly my fault, but no one ever called with results and I got too busy to remember to harass them). I'm definitely liking this. Derek hasn't gotten his results though, so not sure what is up with that. Maybe his nurse was out today.
Anyway. As I mentioned in my "Pissed Off" post, in addition to a CBC, they did a lipid panel (for cholesterol), checked my thyroid, A1C, and did a fasting glucose test. I'm happy to report that despite my initial panic-mode, there is no bad news! There is some slightly-less-than-awesome news, but despite what I frequently have myself believe, I am not near death! WOOHOO!
My thyroid and CBC were fine. I am not anemic (which I feared I might be due to my low-meat diet and how tired I always am), and my white and red blood cell counts were good.
My total cholesterol is 177 -- "desirable" is under 200. Yay!
My triglycerides level is 165 -- "borderline high" - Meh, but could be worse!
My HDL is 43 -- for women, above 50 is better but above 60 is best. This needs work, but again, could be worse!
My LDL is 101 -- the chart I found says this is "near ideal" but under 100 is best. Not bad!
My liver function is apparently slightly elevated at 44 -- not sure what value that represents but Nancy said that normal is around 40, and usually they don't start worrying about elevated liver functioning until you're at like three times normal. So I'm okay.
My A1C was 6, and the range for increased risk of diabetes is 5.7-6.4. So I'm smack dab in the middle of that.
And finally, my fasting blood glucose was 103, a little elevated. (Normal is 70-100).
But here's the rub: Nancy mentioned that, especially with the glucose levels, she would've expected slightly better results given the fact that I'm already on Metformin, so these numbers could potentially indicate that I am diabetic. Her words were "but I'm just not ready to say that yet." However, as I mentioned before, it's her belief that I'm just not on the right dosage, so she upped it. I was taking a 500mg tablet twice a day -- once with breakfast and once with dinner. Now, I am taking two 750mg 'extended release' tablets once a day -- just with dinner. She strongly believes that this will work better for me and that this will not only get things under control, but will help me shed some weight a little more easily.
So, all in all, I'm not completely out of the woods. I still have a lot of work to do, but I knew that long before they stuck the needle in my arm. The thing that I am taking from this is that I am not a lost cause. I am not "too far gone", and I can recover from this and live the healthy life I know I deserve. I mentioned to Nancy that I lost almost 3 pounds this week and she was so happy for me! She asked what I'd been doing differently and when I sheepishly said "paying attention to portions and not eating out at all" she said "see what a difference that makes!?" So, I know I'm doing the right thing, I just need to stick with it and be patient. Yay. :)
With that said, I am now celebrating with a Slurpee. :) Back story: When I was a kid, my pediatrician's office was located, well, actually, in the same apartment complex I live in now. Right next door is a 7-11. So, after any doctor visit, if I was a good, brave girl, my mom would take me next door and let me get a Slurpee. The tradition remained even into adulthood (even though my trips to the doctor were mostly non-existent until the past few years or so). However, I kinda forgot about it the other week when I had my appointment, and again on Friday when I got my blood work. So I treated myself tonight to a big, delicious, sugar-free Slurpee, for old times' sake. Yummmm. :)
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Weigh-In and a Weird (and Kinda Sad) Milestone
I have better news to report this week!
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Week: 288.8
This Week: 286.0
Net Loss: - 2.8
Loss-to-Date: 4.3
Needless to say I'm ecstatic about this! Finally, my hard work is actually paying off. I did it right this week and the scale shows it. 2.8 is a huge one-week number for me, too. Also of note this week, Derek and I went and had bloodwork done. Hopefully soon, I'll have some answers that will help me get everything under control and keep losing steadily.
I attribute most of my success this week to one thing that's actually kinda rare for Derek and I...keep reading for a post I prepared earlier in the week! But first, a really random photo of me:
--------------------//--------------------
So, this is going to sound pretty lame, but Derek and I did something major this week that we rarely ever manage to accomplish.
We didn't eat out at all this week!
No, seriously, this is a big deal. Stop laughing.
Here's the deal. Derek and Iare had been lazy. A lot. We'd come home from work tired and unmotivated so instead of preparing a nice, homecooked, healthy meal, we'd go out. Sometimes to a decent restaurant, which is bad enough as it is, but usually to someplace fast -- Taco Bell, McD's, etc. Not only were these ridiculously terrible decisions nutritionally speaking, but they wrought havoc on our wallet.
And then, on top of that, since we weren't cooking dinner in the evening, we didn't have leftovers to bring to lunch the next day. Add to that the fact that we don't usually keep any quick lunches on hand, like frozen meals or whatever, and the fact that we are usually too lazy in the morning to make sandwiches or put anything together, and you know what that means: buying lunch too!
But not this week! We have cooked (or at least prepared -- I don't know if you can call a BLT "cooking") dinner every night this week. We saved leftovers for lunch every day, and even though last night we made tacos and didn't have enough leftover for lunches, we still made sandwiches for today so we wouldn't have to cave in and go out.
This sounds trivial, I know, but this is really a big deal for us and I'm really proud. We made a rule that we're only allowed to eat out on weekends, and that's only because date night is on Saturday (though we do occasionally cook meals for date night at home), and usually we're so busy during the day on weekends that around lunch time we're nowhere near home to fix something. But we've stopped buying breakfasts on weekends (it had been a "tradition" to stop at Einstein Bagels for breakfast before we hit the grocery store on Saturday mornings), and weekend lunches, if we're not home, are typically something healthy-ish like Subway or Panera. We're trying to limit our dining out for dinner to either date nights or other social occasions (for example, recently we went out to dinner to celebrate my best friend's husbands birthday; this coming week we're having a triple date to our favorite local Japanese restaurant. Side note: wish me luck on that because finding something healthy in all the oil-laden deliciousness is going to be a challenge!), which is helping us to actually appreciate eating out and not look at it as an every day occasion. Eating at a favorite restaurant or something new and fun with Derek and any combination of my favorite people is worth it, just as long as it doesn't become habit!
I should add the caveat that we've accomplished this before, and then we get all excited about how we've been cooking and eating better and then we go celebrate with a trip out to dinner, but not this time. We're doing it right.
And to what do I owe our success? Three things. (Write these down. They're genius, I tell you! Okay, one is a little common sense, but bear with me!)
1) A meal plan. Every week I sit down and create a plan for dinners for the week by going through my favorite recipe websites and picking things I'd like to try, or by deciding what we haven't had in a while or that I've got a particular craving for. Then, I use that meal plan to generate the core of my grocery list, and then add in anything else we're running low on, as well as healthy snacks, breakfast items, and occasionally a back-up plan. This means that on any random night of the week, I don't have to wonder what I'm going to fix because it was already decided, and the items are already purchased. I have no excuse.
2) Really, really good websites. My favorite at the moment? SkinnyTaste. Oh, Em, Gee, this blog is amazing. No, seriously. I'll wait while you go check it out. *whistles* Okay, you're back? Good. So. The woman who writes it, Gina Homolka, has a fantastic knack for creating/altering recipes for all of the foods we know and love, but making them healthy. A lot of whole, fresh ingredients, very little preservatives or processed food, and a LOT of taste. Seriously, my meal plans for the past couple weeks have been coming almost solely from this blog and I have yet to find a recipe I didn't love. Some things have been a little 'meh' but that was typically my own error and they were still good enough to try again. Trusting that the recipes I'm preparing for Derek and I are healthy and are damn-near guaranteed to be a hit is a surefire way to get us excited about cooking. On a side note, she has a metric shit-ton of appetizer/snack/party food recipes that I am DYING to try, but I lack a party to prepare them for. Sad!
3) This is the one that's going to make you all facepalm. Cleaning up and doing the dinner dishes right away. Okay, stop laughing, and stop making the "ew, what?" face. Let me explain. See, my tiny, craptastic apartment has an equally tiny and craptastic kitchen. Without a dishwasher. And with very minimal counter space. Back in our lazy hey-day, it was nothing for us to be so stuffed or exhausted after dinner to let the dishes sit until the next day (I know, gross, shut up!). By the time the next day came around, we were all "Oh, we can't make dinner because the dishes are dirty and if we do the dishes first, it'll be too late to cook dinner so let's just go out!" And so on. But now, we've made a concerted effort to clean up as we go along; washing all the prep dishes while dinner is in the oven, for example, and then after dinner, washing our plates and the pots and pans. It's never too daunting this way, nothing gets gross, and the next day we start fresh. Also of note in keeping us motivated is keeping our counters clean, as in, putting things away and not letting the counter get cluttered. It's difficult in our tiny little kitchen, but it's imperative to making us want to cook.
So there, that's what I've got. I'm really proud of us and I know we're going to keep it up!
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Week: 288.8
This Week: 286.0
Net Loss: - 2.8
Loss-to-Date: 4.3
Needless to say I'm ecstatic about this! Finally, my hard work is actually paying off. I did it right this week and the scale shows it. 2.8 is a huge one-week number for me, too. Also of note this week, Derek and I went and had bloodwork done. Hopefully soon, I'll have some answers that will help me get everything under control and keep losing steadily.
I attribute most of my success this week to one thing that's actually kinda rare for Derek and I...keep reading for a post I prepared earlier in the week! But first, a really random photo of me:
 |
| At my friend Michelle's wedding, July 4, 2010. Don't ask, I have no idea. I just kinda dig the picture. Teehee. |
--------------------//--------------------
So, this is going to sound pretty lame, but Derek and I did something major this week that we rarely ever manage to accomplish.
We didn't eat out at all this week!
No, seriously, this is a big deal. Stop laughing.
Here's the deal. Derek and I
And then, on top of that, since we weren't cooking dinner in the evening, we didn't have leftovers to bring to lunch the next day. Add to that the fact that we don't usually keep any quick lunches on hand, like frozen meals or whatever, and the fact that we are usually too lazy in the morning to make sandwiches or put anything together, and you know what that means: buying lunch too!
But not this week! We have cooked (or at least prepared -- I don't know if you can call a BLT "cooking") dinner every night this week. We saved leftovers for lunch every day, and even though last night we made tacos and didn't have enough leftover for lunches, we still made sandwiches for today so we wouldn't have to cave in and go out.
This sounds trivial, I know, but this is really a big deal for us and I'm really proud. We made a rule that we're only allowed to eat out on weekends, and that's only because date night is on Saturday (though we do occasionally cook meals for date night at home), and usually we're so busy during the day on weekends that around lunch time we're nowhere near home to fix something. But we've stopped buying breakfasts on weekends (it had been a "tradition" to stop at Einstein Bagels for breakfast before we hit the grocery store on Saturday mornings), and weekend lunches, if we're not home, are typically something healthy-ish like Subway or Panera. We're trying to limit our dining out for dinner to either date nights or other social occasions (for example, recently we went out to dinner to celebrate my best friend's husbands birthday; this coming week we're having a triple date to our favorite local Japanese restaurant. Side note: wish me luck on that because finding something healthy in all the oil-laden deliciousness is going to be a challenge!), which is helping us to actually appreciate eating out and not look at it as an every day occasion. Eating at a favorite restaurant or something new and fun with Derek and any combination of my favorite people is worth it, just as long as it doesn't become habit!
I should add the caveat that we've accomplished this before, and then we get all excited about how we've been cooking and eating better and then we go celebrate with a trip out to dinner, but not this time. We're doing it right.
And to what do I owe our success? Three things. (Write these down. They're genius, I tell you! Okay, one is a little common sense, but bear with me!)
1) A meal plan. Every week I sit down and create a plan for dinners for the week by going through my favorite recipe websites and picking things I'd like to try, or by deciding what we haven't had in a while or that I've got a particular craving for. Then, I use that meal plan to generate the core of my grocery list, and then add in anything else we're running low on, as well as healthy snacks, breakfast items, and occasionally a back-up plan. This means that on any random night of the week, I don't have to wonder what I'm going to fix because it was already decided, and the items are already purchased. I have no excuse.
2) Really, really good websites. My favorite at the moment? SkinnyTaste. Oh, Em, Gee, this blog is amazing. No, seriously. I'll wait while you go check it out. *whistles* Okay, you're back? Good. So. The woman who writes it, Gina Homolka, has a fantastic knack for creating/altering recipes for all of the foods we know and love, but making them healthy. A lot of whole, fresh ingredients, very little preservatives or processed food, and a LOT of taste. Seriously, my meal plans for the past couple weeks have been coming almost solely from this blog and I have yet to find a recipe I didn't love. Some things have been a little 'meh' but that was typically my own error and they were still good enough to try again. Trusting that the recipes I'm preparing for Derek and I are healthy and are damn-near guaranteed to be a hit is a surefire way to get us excited about cooking. On a side note, she has a metric shit-ton of appetizer/snack/party food recipes that I am DYING to try, but I lack a party to prepare them for. Sad!
3) This is the one that's going to make you all facepalm. Cleaning up and doing the dinner dishes right away. Okay, stop laughing, and stop making the "ew, what?" face. Let me explain. See, my tiny, craptastic apartment has an equally tiny and craptastic kitchen. Without a dishwasher. And with very minimal counter space. Back in our lazy hey-day, it was nothing for us to be so stuffed or exhausted after dinner to let the dishes sit until the next day (I know, gross, shut up!). By the time the next day came around, we were all "Oh, we can't make dinner because the dishes are dirty and if we do the dishes first, it'll be too late to cook dinner so let's just go out!" And so on. But now, we've made a concerted effort to clean up as we go along; washing all the prep dishes while dinner is in the oven, for example, and then after dinner, washing our plates and the pots and pans. It's never too daunting this way, nothing gets gross, and the next day we start fresh. Also of note in keeping us motivated is keeping our counters clean, as in, putting things away and not letting the counter get cluttered. It's difficult in our tiny little kitchen, but it's imperative to making us want to cook.
So there, that's what I've got. I'm really proud of us and I know we're going to keep it up!
Monday, January 14, 2013
A Unique Dilemma
So... I have a slight problem. One that someone of my...erm...stature rarely encounters.
I don't think I'm eating enough food.
You see, like I've said, I'm on Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers assigns you a daily number of "points" that you are to consume in one day. It's okay to occasionally go over those points (you are given a fixed amount of weekly "extra" points that you're encouraged to consume some of), but you're not supposed to go under your daily limit. Insert here some fluff about how your daily point total is carefully formulated to meet your basic nutrition needs, blah blah...
Anyway, my current daily point allowance is 44 -- the allowance changes as your weight goes up or down. In my time on WW, I've discovered that 44 is a REALLY FUCKIN LOT OF POINTS, good grief!
At the end of a typical day, I've got at least 5-6 points left, occasionally more.
Tonight, for example? Thirteen. THIRTEEN POINTS LEFT. What the hell?!
It's not that I'm not eating or trying to starve myself skinny -- this is what I've eaten today:
Breakfast: a frozen breakfast sandwich consisting of a wheat english muffin, egg white, reduced fat cheese and turkey canadian bacon; and a container of nonfat cherry-flavored Greek yogurt
Morning Snack: a single-serving pouch of mixed nuts (Planters' NUT-rition 'wholesome nut mix', if you're curious).
Lunch: WW "Best Ever BLT" recipe -- basically, toasted wheat bread, light mayo, spinach, tomato, reduced-fat bacon, and half an avocado (side note: effing delicious. Highly recommend. Mix a little salt, pepper, and scallions into the mayo. Easily sidles up next to grilled cheese as my favorite sandwich ever.); also, approximately one cup of mixed berries (blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries.
Afternoon Snack: a heaping cup (probably closer to 1.5-2 cups) of cherry tomatoes
Dinner: a Grilled Cheeseburger Wrap (from SkinnyMom's Kitchen) -- also delicious --, a side salad with light yogurt-based ranch dressing, and another handful of cherry tomatoes.
I feel like I've been eating all freakin' day! How is it possible that I have 13 points left!?
I honestly don't know what to do here. I'm not hungry, and it's getting too late for me to be eating anything that significant points-wise anyway. I had this problem when I was on WW before (the first successful time), and this partially led to my demise. I'd come home from work, and I'd have SO MANY POINTS left after lunch that I literally had enough to consume an entire box of macaroni & cheese. So I did. I still lost weight, so I didn't see the harm. Clearly, this is not the way to be.
The last time I discussed this dilemma with someone "in the know", they suggested swapping out some of my reduced-fat/low-fat choices for the full-fat ones. This is a problem in a couple ways a) in most cases, I don't like the taste of those things anymore, and b) I don't want to get into the habit of having a bunch of full-fat stuff in the house. I also feel like subbing in things that are technically on the unhealthy side is not the way to go (see previous statement regarding the full box of mac & cheese).
The only real error I see in my food choices is that I don't eat a lot of meat just in general (this was true even before I got serious about my weight loss effort), so I'm probably missing out on a lot of vital protein. However, I hate the idea of drinking protein, so that shoots that idea in the foot. And it's not that I'm not getting any at all.
I had half of an avocado and a hearty portion of nuts today (the mix I ate has cashews, almonds, and macadamia nuts), so I'm getting the healthy fats.
But still, WW dictates that I'm supposed to eat more. I would literally need to eat an entire fourth full meal to fulfill those 13 points -- it would be a pretty nasty snack to use that much.
What do you all think? What should I do?
I don't think I'm eating enough food.
You see, like I've said, I'm on Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers assigns you a daily number of "points" that you are to consume in one day. It's okay to occasionally go over those points (you are given a fixed amount of weekly "extra" points that you're encouraged to consume some of), but you're not supposed to go under your daily limit. Insert here some fluff about how your daily point total is carefully formulated to meet your basic nutrition needs, blah blah...
Anyway, my current daily point allowance is 44 -- the allowance changes as your weight goes up or down. In my time on WW, I've discovered that 44 is a REALLY FUCKIN LOT OF POINTS, good grief!
At the end of a typical day, I've got at least 5-6 points left, occasionally more.
Tonight, for example? Thirteen. THIRTEEN POINTS LEFT. What the hell?!
It's not that I'm not eating or trying to starve myself skinny -- this is what I've eaten today:
Breakfast: a frozen breakfast sandwich consisting of a wheat english muffin, egg white, reduced fat cheese and turkey canadian bacon; and a container of nonfat cherry-flavored Greek yogurt
Morning Snack: a single-serving pouch of mixed nuts (Planters' NUT-rition 'wholesome nut mix', if you're curious).
Lunch: WW "Best Ever BLT" recipe -- basically, toasted wheat bread, light mayo, spinach, tomato, reduced-fat bacon, and half an avocado (side note: effing delicious. Highly recommend. Mix a little salt, pepper, and scallions into the mayo. Easily sidles up next to grilled cheese as my favorite sandwich ever.); also, approximately one cup of mixed berries (blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries.
Afternoon Snack: a heaping cup (probably closer to 1.5-2 cups) of cherry tomatoes
Dinner: a Grilled Cheeseburger Wrap (from SkinnyMom's Kitchen) -- also delicious --, a side salad with light yogurt-based ranch dressing, and another handful of cherry tomatoes.
I feel like I've been eating all freakin' day! How is it possible that I have 13 points left!?
I honestly don't know what to do here. I'm not hungry, and it's getting too late for me to be eating anything that significant points-wise anyway. I had this problem when I was on WW before (the first successful time), and this partially led to my demise. I'd come home from work, and I'd have SO MANY POINTS left after lunch that I literally had enough to consume an entire box of macaroni & cheese. So I did. I still lost weight, so I didn't see the harm. Clearly, this is not the way to be.
The last time I discussed this dilemma with someone "in the know", they suggested swapping out some of my reduced-fat/low-fat choices for the full-fat ones. This is a problem in a couple ways a) in most cases, I don't like the taste of those things anymore, and b) I don't want to get into the habit of having a bunch of full-fat stuff in the house. I also feel like subbing in things that are technically on the unhealthy side is not the way to go (see previous statement regarding the full box of mac & cheese).
The only real error I see in my food choices is that I don't eat a lot of meat just in general (this was true even before I got serious about my weight loss effort), so I'm probably missing out on a lot of vital protein. However, I hate the idea of drinking protein, so that shoots that idea in the foot. And it's not that I'm not getting any at all.
I had half of an avocado and a hearty portion of nuts today (the mix I ate has cashews, almonds, and macadamia nuts), so I'm getting the healthy fats.
But still, WW dictates that I'm supposed to eat more. I would literally need to eat an entire fourth full meal to fulfill those 13 points -- it would be a pretty nasty snack to use that much.
What do you all think? What should I do?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Pissed Off.
It's that time of week where I promised myself that I would weigh-in and then update my blog with my latest status. This week, I don't really want to, but I will. (I told you I wasn't going to hide anything, so...)
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Week: 287.5
This Week: 288.8
Net Loss: +1.3 (yes, that would be a #@!$&ing gain!)
Loss-to-Date: -1.5
To say that I'm pissed off would be the understatement of the century. I'm used to having gains on the scale, obviously, but every time this has happened in the past I could say "Yeah, I shouldn't have gone to McDonald's twice this week", or at the very least, I had some inkling as to why the number went up.
This week, I have no fucking clue. I tracked everything. I ate carefully. We cooked every night except last night, which was date night.... but I still calculated for it and it was still within my points. I ate a little bit of candy but tracked it. Still within my points. I've been drinking like a gallon of water a day. No soda, no coffee, no juice. Just water. My FitBit numbers have progressively gone up this week -- more steps, more flights of stairs, more calories burned.
I really don't know what happened, and it makes me so, so sad. This? This is precisely why I've quit so many times in the past. One gain (especially the unexplained ones) and I say 'screw it' and quit. I know I can't do that now, but I threw my hands up in the air the minute I read the number on the scale this morning.
How could this happen?! How am I ever going to get to my 1.5lb/week goal if I'm GAINING that much? Next week I'm going to have to lose like 3 pounds to get myself to a net 1.5lb/week average. That may not sound bad to most people but with PCOS that may as well be 30 pounds in one week.
I really want to cry. I want to cry and then stuff my face with some chicken nuggets and french fries. The only thing that could make this worse is if Derek has lost this week (he's still asleep... he hasn't weighed in yet). I know it sounds shitty to say it, but Derek and I have eaten the same food all week. If he lost anything, it'll just be a reminder of how screwed up I am and how broken my body is. More evidence that there's no fighting this; I'll be a fatso for life. Ugh. :(
In other news, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It had been a very, very long time since I'd been to a doctor, but I knew that I had to get in to see someone to get myself started on this road the right way. For the most part, this was just an appointment to establish me as a new patient with this practice, but I did get some quasi-useful information.
I met with a Nurse Practitioner named Nancy. When we first started talking she kind of rubbed me the wrong way but by the end of the appointment I realized that I actually really like her. I had to run through a lengthy questionnaire of my medical history, but after that we talked about my weight issues (which I had indicated as what I wanted to discuss).
What I liked is that after I told her about my PCOS, what I'm currently doing (and the acknowledgement that I can still do better), and that I know what I'm supposed to be doing, she didn't lecture me. She didn't chastise me for being fat or not moving enough (I told her I wear a pedometer every day and she told me my daily goal should be 5000 steps per day -- she was happy when I told her my personal goal is 7500 even though I haven't gotten there yet), and she didn't lecture me on what foods I should eat and what I shouldn't.
What she did do, however, and what I've never had ANYONE do, much less a doctor, is acknowledge that it isn't just me. I'm not in denial, I'm not just lazy, I'm not necessarily doing it wrong. This is biological. My body is working against me. She drew me a diagram of how insulin-resistance works -- the kind that PCOS creates, which leads to diabetes -- and to put it shortly, showed me how PCOS is essentially making it impossible for me to lose weight.
We talked about my Metformin, and she's of the strict opinion that I'm not on a high enough dose. She questioned why my gynecologist bothered to put me on it at all because it's a low dose and it's not the "extended release" variety. I'm taking 500mg twice a day, and Nancy said that the non-XR variety is only effective for about 4-6 hours. The XR tablets work for 24 hours. So I'd only have to take it once per day (which would definitely help me actually remember to take it!).
Since my appointment was at 2:30 in the afternoon, she told me to come back any time this coming week to do some bloodwork so that we could get my fasting blood glucose. (Obviously at 2:30, I'd already eaten that day). She's also testing my lipids, my A1C, and my thyroid. Her suspicion is that I'm pre-diabetic, but once we have official test results, we'll move forward with upping my Metformin dosage and whatever else seems necessary.
She mentioned that she has a patient who has lost 200 pounds with Metformin (and diet and exercise, of course). I wanted to get excited about it but then I remembered that I'm not anyone else. I have to just keep doing what I'm doing and not ride on someone else's success.
All in all, it was a good appointment and I left feeling like I made some headway in getting a good baseline to get this weight off.
And then I weigh in this morning and it flies right out the window.
I think I'll go curl up on the couch and pout until Derek wakes up.
Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Week: 287.5
This Week: 288.8
Net Loss: +1.3 (yes, that would be a #@!$&ing gain!)
Loss-to-Date: -1.5
To say that I'm pissed off would be the understatement of the century. I'm used to having gains on the scale, obviously, but every time this has happened in the past I could say "Yeah, I shouldn't have gone to McDonald's twice this week", or at the very least, I had some inkling as to why the number went up.
This week, I have no fucking clue. I tracked everything. I ate carefully. We cooked every night except last night, which was date night.... but I still calculated for it and it was still within my points. I ate a little bit of candy but tracked it. Still within my points. I've been drinking like a gallon of water a day. No soda, no coffee, no juice. Just water. My FitBit numbers have progressively gone up this week -- more steps, more flights of stairs, more calories burned.
I really don't know what happened, and it makes me so, so sad. This? This is precisely why I've quit so many times in the past. One gain (especially the unexplained ones) and I say 'screw it' and quit. I know I can't do that now, but I threw my hands up in the air the minute I read the number on the scale this morning.
How could this happen?! How am I ever going to get to my 1.5lb/week goal if I'm GAINING that much? Next week I'm going to have to lose like 3 pounds to get myself to a net 1.5lb/week average. That may not sound bad to most people but with PCOS that may as well be 30 pounds in one week.
I really want to cry. I want to cry and then stuff my face with some chicken nuggets and french fries. The only thing that could make this worse is if Derek has lost this week (he's still asleep... he hasn't weighed in yet). I know it sounds shitty to say it, but Derek and I have eaten the same food all week. If he lost anything, it'll just be a reminder of how screwed up I am and how broken my body is. More evidence that there's no fighting this; I'll be a fatso for life. Ugh. :(
In other news, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It had been a very, very long time since I'd been to a doctor, but I knew that I had to get in to see someone to get myself started on this road the right way. For the most part, this was just an appointment to establish me as a new patient with this practice, but I did get some quasi-useful information.
I met with a Nurse Practitioner named Nancy. When we first started talking she kind of rubbed me the wrong way but by the end of the appointment I realized that I actually really like her. I had to run through a lengthy questionnaire of my medical history, but after that we talked about my weight issues (which I had indicated as what I wanted to discuss).
What I liked is that after I told her about my PCOS, what I'm currently doing (and the acknowledgement that I can still do better), and that I know what I'm supposed to be doing, she didn't lecture me. She didn't chastise me for being fat or not moving enough (I told her I wear a pedometer every day and she told me my daily goal should be 5000 steps per day -- she was happy when I told her my personal goal is 7500 even though I haven't gotten there yet), and she didn't lecture me on what foods I should eat and what I shouldn't.
What she did do, however, and what I've never had ANYONE do, much less a doctor, is acknowledge that it isn't just me. I'm not in denial, I'm not just lazy, I'm not necessarily doing it wrong. This is biological. My body is working against me. She drew me a diagram of how insulin-resistance works -- the kind that PCOS creates, which leads to diabetes -- and to put it shortly, showed me how PCOS is essentially making it impossible for me to lose weight.
We talked about my Metformin, and she's of the strict opinion that I'm not on a high enough dose. She questioned why my gynecologist bothered to put me on it at all because it's a low dose and it's not the "extended release" variety. I'm taking 500mg twice a day, and Nancy said that the non-XR variety is only effective for about 4-6 hours. The XR tablets work for 24 hours. So I'd only have to take it once per day (which would definitely help me actually remember to take it!).
Since my appointment was at 2:30 in the afternoon, she told me to come back any time this coming week to do some bloodwork so that we could get my fasting blood glucose. (Obviously at 2:30, I'd already eaten that day). She's also testing my lipids, my A1C, and my thyroid. Her suspicion is that I'm pre-diabetic, but once we have official test results, we'll move forward with upping my Metformin dosage and whatever else seems necessary.
She mentioned that she has a patient who has lost 200 pounds with Metformin (and diet and exercise, of course). I wanted to get excited about it but then I remembered that I'm not anyone else. I have to just keep doing what I'm doing and not ride on someone else's success.
All in all, it was a good appointment and I left feeling like I made some headway in getting a good baseline to get this weight off.
And then I weigh in this morning and it flies right out the window.
I think I'll go curl up on the couch and pout until Derek wakes up.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Motivation and the Art of Self-Disclosure
(Warning: This is probably going to be a long one. Get yourself a nice healthy snack, maybe a pillow... and feel free to stand up and stretch partway through. ;)
I received a very heartwarming message from one of my high school friends after she read one of my blog entries, and as I was responding to her, I realized that some of the things I was telling her were things that I think are pretty central to who I am and where I am on this really long, arduous journey. I had planned another post to come next but this one is more relevant right now. So here. Read.
A lot of the beauty and purpose of this blog lies in two things: the catharsis for me of being able to put into written word the challenges I have faced and am facing, and the ability to get the input of others; and the accountability that not keeping any secrets creates. I can't hide from my weight, I can't hide from my health issues, I can't hide from my struggles with exercise, because every one of you who read this are watching me. I have an innate and overwhelming fear of failure, and an uncontrollable desire for everyone to approve of me -- this means that when I say I am going to get healthy, I have to do it, because otherwise, the very few of you who read this will have all the power to say "I told you so", or to call me a failure. To quote the wise Marshall Mathers, "success is my only motherfuckin' option, failure's not". To be successful, I have to be real, no matter how hard it may be.
So, with that being said, there is some more background about how I got here that I'd like to share now, and in the future, I'm promising myself that I'm not going to hold anything back. Things that I've never told anyone may come spilling out, all in an effort to be completely transparent and open with the people who are supporting me. I'm making a conscious effort to keep things light-hearted and upbeat, but my life hasn't always been that way so this blog may not be either. I apologize in advance for bumming any of you out. ;)
It's taken me a long time to get to the place where I realized I had to actually, oh, I don't know, do WORK to get healthy. As I mentioned in other entries, I've been a 'big girl' for almost as long as I can remember. The weight started creeping on around 2nd grade, and snowballed when being the biggest girl in the class meant taunting and teasing from my classmates, which led to me going home after school to cry into a bag of potato chips. Lather, rinse, repeat.
In high school, I finally found a group of friends that I felt looked past my weight and accepted the rest of who I was. It didn't stop me from being unhappy with the way I looked or felt, and it didn't stop me from wishing that I could shop at the same clothing stores they did, or that I had the same energy they did. In the end, a lot of the time, I still felt excluded, even though sometimes it was probably myself that was doing the excluding, not them.
In college, things started off pretty rough. It was hard for me at first to accept the fact that I was away from home, away from my friends, and forced, as a socially-awkward kid, to meet new people. Between this anxiety and the nastiness that was Hibbs Dining Hall, I managed to lose the freshman 20 instead of gaining the freshman 15. However, I quickly made some good friends (some that I'm still very close to even now, ten years --omgtenyearswtfi'mgettingold-- later) and discovered all the better-tasting-but-worse-for-me food on campus. My weight skyrocketed, and none of my friends cared enough to make me aware of it. (Clarification: When I say that they didn't care enough, I absolutely don't mean that they didn't care about me -- I mean that my weight wasn't an issue for them. They didn't judge me for my size, they never made me feel less-than for being bigger. I was just Sarah. Not 'Fat Sarah'. As a result, through some miracle, a lot of the time I was actually able to forget that I was bigger than everyone else. I was actually happy, to an extent, and to the friends who may or may not be reading this who got me there, I can't say thank you enough.)
Now, I'm sure a lot of you can relate to having bad eating habits in college. Late night study sessions require pizza, and maybe things have changed since I graduated but there were not a lot of healthy restaurants on or near campus that catered to a college student's budget (read: dining dollars and meal plan swipes). Not to mention, it's far easier to grab a quick lunch from the campus Chick-Fil-A before running to class than it is to sit down and eat a salad. So, anyway, I gained more weight. And more weight. And more weight.
THEN, after I graduated, I started to realize how bad it was getting but felt like I was still too young to have to worry about it. 23-year olds don't have heart attacks, duh. I'm not going to die from one more order of french fries. Duh. More weight crept on, and I kept feeling worse about myself. Most of my college friends were still in the Richmond area, or at the very least not anywhere near me, and I'd lost ties with all of my local high school friends. I was really, really lonely. Not to mention really, really broke, and the cheapest food was the bad-for-you food. I'd come home from work and eat an entire box of fish sticks for dinner, or an entire box of macaroni and cheese. I'd go through a twelve-pack of diet soda in like 3-4 days. It was awful but I didn't see any other way. If I'm being honest with myself, maybe I didn't feel like I was worth any other way.
Finally, I had an epiphany. It was the holiday season of 2007, and for some reason TLC had been airing an inordinate number of shows about the super-morbidly obese. I was drawn to "The World's Largest Man", and shows about men and women not much older than myself who tipped the scales at no less than 400 pounds, some more than 800-1000 pounds. I tried hard not to judge them, but inevitably compared myself to them and decided I came out on top. I'm nowhere NEAR that bad! I'll NEVER be that big!, I'd think to myself as I watched a man eat like 8,000 calories in a day. How could he do this to himself? But then, it hit me. Like a truck. These people didn't wake up one day and weigh 800 pounds. All of the unhealthy choices they made when they were a healthy weight kept adding up, until they were 200 pounds, 300 pounds, 400 pounds, and so on. The same unhealthy choices I was making. As I watched these shows, and saw that not only did all of these people suffer from serious health problems, lack of mobility, etc., but some of them actually succumbed to their own weight and died... I realized that if I didn't get the ball rolling on starting a new, healthier life, they would be me. Their lives would be my life. I sobbed as I let this realization sink in.
So, two days later, on January 2nd, 2008, I joined WeightWatchers Online. At my very first weigh-in, I cried when I looked down on my freshly-purchased scale and saw 277.2. The highest weight I'd ever seen in my adult life. Just 22.8 measly pounds away from three hundred pounds. This was it. This had to be the beginning of something new for me because otherwise, I'd die fat and miserable.
WeightWatchers worked really well for me. I had some hiccups over the first couple months, but I was able to lose 15-20 pounds in a reasonable time frame. It may not have been at lightning speed, but the number on the scale was going down and I was ecstatic. I became a master of my points, portion sizes, and budgeting for the "good" stuff. I still ate macaroni and cheese and pizza, but I knew I'd be eating a lot of celery sticks to make up for it. This was and always will be what I love about WeightWatchers. Nothing is absolutely off-limits. My food choices are dictated by me and me only, not some "plan" that I'm supposed to follow. I didn't feel deprived at all, and that's what I knew I needed.
But then... in April of 2008, I took a trip to Suffolk, Virginia with a college friend to visit another college friend for the weekend. I was nervous about breaking my WeightWatchers routine and being away from my comfort zone, but I felt like over the course of four months I'd become a pro at making 'better' decisions, if not always 'good' decisions. Besides, I'd been on this regimen for a while, I wanted a break. I wanted to enjoy time with my friends. So, I told myself that I'd be careful, but I wouldn't track points. I'd make better decisions when eating out, but I wouldn't fret about it and I wouldn't go without. As I expected, when I weighed in that next weekend, I had gained a little. It was no surprise, so I didn't beat myself up about it, and moved on. Things went okay but then I realized that I had gotten bored with tracking everything, so I'd 'guesstimate' how many points I had left, or how much pasta was in one cup.
Also, around the time we got back, the friend that I went down to Suffolk with decided SHE was ready to make a change and she joined WeightWatchers as well, with the idea that having a support system would be great for keeping each other on track. We were wrong. Very, very wrong. For the most part, we tried hard, but we let each other get lazy and make mistakes. We joined a gym (yay!) but then after the gym we'd go out to dinner so that we wouldn't have to go home and cook so late. Typically, we'd go to Ruby Tuesday so we could be wise and get the yummy salad bar, but that salad bar ain't so wise when it's a side dish for your chicken fingers and fries.
And then we stopped going to the gym but we'd still go out to eat. We'd go to Baja Fresh for dinner and buy a metric shit-ton of food (don't forget the churros!), then come back to my place and watch The Biggest Loser. We'd get so inspired and wax philosophical about what was going wrong for us, when the whole time, what was going wrong was at the bottom of those bowls of queso. We were standing in our own damn way, and what's worse, we were enabling each other. If she made a bad choice during the day, I felt entitled to my own bad choice, and vice versa. I went from spending every night at home alone, cooking for myself, to spending 4-6 nights a week with her, eating out. Eventually (after a lot of post-BL conversations and gained weight), we decided that doing it together wasn't going to work anymore and while we were still obviously ridiculously supportive of each other, we couldn't be 'partners' in our own unhealthy crime.
However, for me, the damage was done, through no fault of my friend. I still lacked the motivation to track what I was eating, and had gotten so used to eating out that even though I wasn't hanging out with my friend, I would order something so I wouldn't have to cook. Well, when you have to order two meals' worth of food to get them to deliver... this causes problems for fat girls who don't know when to say 'I'm full!'
So the weight crept back on. Fast forward to 2010, I had managed to plateau a little bit and get things slightly under control, but I went to my gynecologist and started on birth control. That notorious little weight gainer. In late 2010, I started dating Derek... we ate out a lot and I got comfortable with him so I felt like I could stop trying so hard. Then, at the beginning of 2011, I got my first driver's license (spare the judgment, please) and bought my first car. Suddenly, I was not only gaining weight from this dumb little baby-blocker, but I could go to whatever drive-thru I wanted and eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Derek moved in and we never felt like cooking, so we ate out. All. The. Time.
This went on forever, until June 2012 I finally had had enough again. I stepped on the scale for the first time in several months and the scale read quite possibly the scariest number I had ever seen. 298.8. I was less than two pounds away from that dreaded number-that-starts-with-a-three. Aside from that, none of my clothes fit right but there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that I was going to buy BIGGER ones. I had to lose it once and for all.
Around this time, I started taking Metformin for my PCOS. Metformin, as you may know, is a diabetes medication, but it has proven effective for PCOS patients in helping regulate their menstrual cycles (the same way birth control does, but with the benefit of not being a contraceptive - helpful for those who actually want to conceive) with the added benefit of being an appetite suppressant and helping to shed the weight that is very difficult to lose when you have PCOS. I was happy. I was being proactive, and I was hopeful that with some healthy changes, Metformin would help me get to the place I was in 2008 -- losing weight and happy about it.
Except for me, right away the only side effect Metformin had was to make me nauseous. I wasn't really eating much less, but afterward, regardless of what I ate, I felt awful. This is a known side effect and it passes, but the lack of appetite lingers, allowing weight loss. Well, it hasn't worked for me. Once in a while I find myself getting full just halfway through a meal, and I'll stop, but more often than not, I don't feel full until after I've eaten a full plate. But then I feel like absolute crap. Like, let me go lay down before I throw up, crap. Somehow, however, that didn't dissuade me from continuing to eat crap food. I have managed to lose some weight, still, but not nearly as much as I thought I would. I'm supposing that a higher dose of Metformin would be more helpful, but I've been hesitant to talk to my gyno about it because I'm not eager to go through the nausea again, so before I do, I resolved to try harder.
So here I am. And now, a million words later, you know my story. Phew!
I received a very heartwarming message from one of my high school friends after she read one of my blog entries, and as I was responding to her, I realized that some of the things I was telling her were things that I think are pretty central to who I am and where I am on this really long, arduous journey. I had planned another post to come next but this one is more relevant right now. So here. Read.
A lot of the beauty and purpose of this blog lies in two things: the catharsis for me of being able to put into written word the challenges I have faced and am facing, and the ability to get the input of others; and the accountability that not keeping any secrets creates. I can't hide from my weight, I can't hide from my health issues, I can't hide from my struggles with exercise, because every one of you who read this are watching me. I have an innate and overwhelming fear of failure, and an uncontrollable desire for everyone to approve of me -- this means that when I say I am going to get healthy, I have to do it, because otherwise, the very few of you who read this will have all the power to say "I told you so", or to call me a failure. To quote the wise Marshall Mathers, "success is my only motherfuckin' option, failure's not". To be successful, I have to be real, no matter how hard it may be.
So, with that being said, there is some more background about how I got here that I'd like to share now, and in the future, I'm promising myself that I'm not going to hold anything back. Things that I've never told anyone may come spilling out, all in an effort to be completely transparent and open with the people who are supporting me. I'm making a conscious effort to keep things light-hearted and upbeat, but my life hasn't always been that way so this blog may not be either. I apologize in advance for bumming any of you out. ;)
It's taken me a long time to get to the place where I realized I had to actually, oh, I don't know, do WORK to get healthy. As I mentioned in other entries, I've been a 'big girl' for almost as long as I can remember. The weight started creeping on around 2nd grade, and snowballed when being the biggest girl in the class meant taunting and teasing from my classmates, which led to me going home after school to cry into a bag of potato chips. Lather, rinse, repeat.
In high school, I finally found a group of friends that I felt looked past my weight and accepted the rest of who I was. It didn't stop me from being unhappy with the way I looked or felt, and it didn't stop me from wishing that I could shop at the same clothing stores they did, or that I had the same energy they did. In the end, a lot of the time, I still felt excluded, even though sometimes it was probably myself that was doing the excluding, not them.
In college, things started off pretty rough. It was hard for me at first to accept the fact that I was away from home, away from my friends, and forced, as a socially-awkward kid, to meet new people. Between this anxiety and the nastiness that was Hibbs Dining Hall, I managed to lose the freshman 20 instead of gaining the freshman 15. However, I quickly made some good friends (some that I'm still very close to even now, ten years --omgtenyearswtfi'mgettingold-- later) and discovered all the better-tasting-but-worse-for-me food on campus. My weight skyrocketed, and none of my friends cared enough to make me aware of it. (Clarification: When I say that they didn't care enough, I absolutely don't mean that they didn't care about me -- I mean that my weight wasn't an issue for them. They didn't judge me for my size, they never made me feel less-than for being bigger. I was just Sarah. Not 'Fat Sarah'. As a result, through some miracle, a lot of the time I was actually able to forget that I was bigger than everyone else. I was actually happy, to an extent, and to the friends who may or may not be reading this who got me there, I can't say thank you enough.)
Now, I'm sure a lot of you can relate to having bad eating habits in college. Late night study sessions require pizza, and maybe things have changed since I graduated but there were not a lot of healthy restaurants on or near campus that catered to a college student's budget (read: dining dollars and meal plan swipes). Not to mention, it's far easier to grab a quick lunch from the campus Chick-Fil-A before running to class than it is to sit down and eat a salad. So, anyway, I gained more weight. And more weight. And more weight.
THEN, after I graduated, I started to realize how bad it was getting but felt like I was still too young to have to worry about it. 23-year olds don't have heart attacks, duh. I'm not going to die from one more order of french fries. Duh. More weight crept on, and I kept feeling worse about myself. Most of my college friends were still in the Richmond area, or at the very least not anywhere near me, and I'd lost ties with all of my local high school friends. I was really, really lonely. Not to mention really, really broke, and the cheapest food was the bad-for-you food. I'd come home from work and eat an entire box of fish sticks for dinner, or an entire box of macaroni and cheese. I'd go through a twelve-pack of diet soda in like 3-4 days. It was awful but I didn't see any other way. If I'm being honest with myself, maybe I didn't feel like I was worth any other way.
Finally, I had an epiphany. It was the holiday season of 2007, and for some reason TLC had been airing an inordinate number of shows about the super-morbidly obese. I was drawn to "The World's Largest Man", and shows about men and women not much older than myself who tipped the scales at no less than 400 pounds, some more than 800-1000 pounds. I tried hard not to judge them, but inevitably compared myself to them and decided I came out on top. I'm nowhere NEAR that bad! I'll NEVER be that big!, I'd think to myself as I watched a man eat like 8,000 calories in a day. How could he do this to himself? But then, it hit me. Like a truck. These people didn't wake up one day and weigh 800 pounds. All of the unhealthy choices they made when they were a healthy weight kept adding up, until they were 200 pounds, 300 pounds, 400 pounds, and so on. The same unhealthy choices I was making. As I watched these shows, and saw that not only did all of these people suffer from serious health problems, lack of mobility, etc., but some of them actually succumbed to their own weight and died... I realized that if I didn't get the ball rolling on starting a new, healthier life, they would be me. Their lives would be my life. I sobbed as I let this realization sink in.
So, two days later, on January 2nd, 2008, I joined WeightWatchers Online. At my very first weigh-in, I cried when I looked down on my freshly-purchased scale and saw 277.2. The highest weight I'd ever seen in my adult life. Just 22.8 measly pounds away from three hundred pounds. This was it. This had to be the beginning of something new for me because otherwise, I'd die fat and miserable.
WeightWatchers worked really well for me. I had some hiccups over the first couple months, but I was able to lose 15-20 pounds in a reasonable time frame. It may not have been at lightning speed, but the number on the scale was going down and I was ecstatic. I became a master of my points, portion sizes, and budgeting for the "good" stuff. I still ate macaroni and cheese and pizza, but I knew I'd be eating a lot of celery sticks to make up for it. This was and always will be what I love about WeightWatchers. Nothing is absolutely off-limits. My food choices are dictated by me and me only, not some "plan" that I'm supposed to follow. I didn't feel deprived at all, and that's what I knew I needed.
But then... in April of 2008, I took a trip to Suffolk, Virginia with a college friend to visit another college friend for the weekend. I was nervous about breaking my WeightWatchers routine and being away from my comfort zone, but I felt like over the course of four months I'd become a pro at making 'better' decisions, if not always 'good' decisions. Besides, I'd been on this regimen for a while, I wanted a break. I wanted to enjoy time with my friends. So, I told myself that I'd be careful, but I wouldn't track points. I'd make better decisions when eating out, but I wouldn't fret about it and I wouldn't go without. As I expected, when I weighed in that next weekend, I had gained a little. It was no surprise, so I didn't beat myself up about it, and moved on. Things went okay but then I realized that I had gotten bored with tracking everything, so I'd 'guesstimate' how many points I had left, or how much pasta was in one cup.
Also, around the time we got back, the friend that I went down to Suffolk with decided SHE was ready to make a change and she joined WeightWatchers as well, with the idea that having a support system would be great for keeping each other on track. We were wrong. Very, very wrong. For the most part, we tried hard, but we let each other get lazy and make mistakes. We joined a gym (yay!) but then after the gym we'd go out to dinner so that we wouldn't have to go home and cook so late. Typically, we'd go to Ruby Tuesday so we could be wise and get the yummy salad bar, but that salad bar ain't so wise when it's a side dish for your chicken fingers and fries.
And then we stopped going to the gym but we'd still go out to eat. We'd go to Baja Fresh for dinner and buy a metric shit-ton of food (don't forget the churros!), then come back to my place and watch The Biggest Loser. We'd get so inspired and wax philosophical about what was going wrong for us, when the whole time, what was going wrong was at the bottom of those bowls of queso. We were standing in our own damn way, and what's worse, we were enabling each other. If she made a bad choice during the day, I felt entitled to my own bad choice, and vice versa. I went from spending every night at home alone, cooking for myself, to spending 4-6 nights a week with her, eating out. Eventually (after a lot of post-BL conversations and gained weight), we decided that doing it together wasn't going to work anymore and while we were still obviously ridiculously supportive of each other, we couldn't be 'partners' in our own unhealthy crime.
However, for me, the damage was done, through no fault of my friend. I still lacked the motivation to track what I was eating, and had gotten so used to eating out that even though I wasn't hanging out with my friend, I would order something so I wouldn't have to cook. Well, when you have to order two meals' worth of food to get them to deliver... this causes problems for fat girls who don't know when to say 'I'm full!'
So the weight crept back on. Fast forward to 2010, I had managed to plateau a little bit and get things slightly under control, but I went to my gynecologist and started on birth control. That notorious little weight gainer. In late 2010, I started dating Derek... we ate out a lot and I got comfortable with him so I felt like I could stop trying so hard. Then, at the beginning of 2011, I got my first driver's license (spare the judgment, please) and bought my first car. Suddenly, I was not only gaining weight from this dumb little baby-blocker, but I could go to whatever drive-thru I wanted and eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Derek moved in and we never felt like cooking, so we ate out. All. The. Time.
This went on forever, until June 2012 I finally had had enough again. I stepped on the scale for the first time in several months and the scale read quite possibly the scariest number I had ever seen. 298.8. I was less than two pounds away from that dreaded number-that-starts-with-a-three. Aside from that, none of my clothes fit right but there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that I was going to buy BIGGER ones. I had to lose it once and for all.
Around this time, I started taking Metformin for my PCOS. Metformin, as you may know, is a diabetes medication, but it has proven effective for PCOS patients in helping regulate their menstrual cycles (the same way birth control does, but with the benefit of not being a contraceptive - helpful for those who actually want to conceive) with the added benefit of being an appetite suppressant and helping to shed the weight that is very difficult to lose when you have PCOS. I was happy. I was being proactive, and I was hopeful that with some healthy changes, Metformin would help me get to the place I was in 2008 -- losing weight and happy about it.
Except for me, right away the only side effect Metformin had was to make me nauseous. I wasn't really eating much less, but afterward, regardless of what I ate, I felt awful. This is a known side effect and it passes, but the lack of appetite lingers, allowing weight loss. Well, it hasn't worked for me. Once in a while I find myself getting full just halfway through a meal, and I'll stop, but more often than not, I don't feel full until after I've eaten a full plate. But then I feel like absolute crap. Like, let me go lay down before I throw up, crap. Somehow, however, that didn't dissuade me from continuing to eat crap food. I have managed to lose some weight, still, but not nearly as much as I thought I would. I'm supposing that a higher dose of Metformin would be more helpful, but I've been hesitant to talk to my gyno about it because I'm not eager to go through the nausea again, so before I do, I resolved to try harder.
So here I am. And now, a million words later, you know my story. Phew!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Moving Right Along...
One of the biggest challenges I've always had with losing weight, as I mentioned in my first post, is that I hate, hate, hate working out. I know I have to do it, and I know that there are "fun" ways to get my butt in gear, but I'll be damned if I've had any luck finding them.
I've joined gyms -- and currently belong to one that I pay for every month but haven't been to in...oh... probably a year or more. Here's the challenge: weight machines and treadmills and ellipticals and stair climbers are so dreadfully boring. Forget the fact that I'm not fit enough to last on any of them for very long... I just get bored to death. No amount of music on my iPod can make them enjoyable.
I know what you're all thinking: try a class! BAHAHAHAHAHA. No. See, the people in those classes? They all weigh like, 90 pounds and have been Zumbaing and yogaing since it became popular. There is not a snowball's chance in Hades that I would want to be seen flopping around in front of these little dears. Besides that, even if I couldn't care less about what I look like (hint: I do!), I can't keep up. These classes aren't meant for beginners, even if they say they are. They're meant for people who can jog a mile without breaking a sweat; for people who don't get winded tying their shoes. That, clearly, is not me.
I read an article about a gym geared solely towards overweight people that have 50+ pounds to lose. There are three locations in the US and I cross my fingers that it takes off and they land here in the good ol' DC metro area. The article didn't mention if they offered classes or not, but those would be the classes I could find myself enjoying. Ones where I'm not the only fatty-fat-fat in the room, and I may even have a leg up because I can, somehow, actually touch my toes (even if I can't always see them. Eek.)
The bottom line here is that I know I need to be more active. I know that even though diet is a large part of getting healthy, I need to exercise. Walking to and from the refrigerator apparently doesn't count. (Beggars can't be choosers, people... gosh!) So, here is what I'm going to try:
-- Walking more just in my day-to-day activity. I sit at my desk most of the day, like many people do, but all too often I'll just shoot someone an email or give them a call instead of swinging by their desk. On one hand, in the office where I work, a lot of people work 'in the field' so they're never in the office to begin with, meaning that phone calls and emails are more practical most of the time, but on the other hand, it doesn't hurt to swing by their desk first before I send that quick note.
-- Getting my butt off the sofa. I'm definitely guilty of coming home from work and just parking my butt on the couch or in front of the computer until it's time to go to bed. This one is the tough one to change because although it may just be the lazy in me, I really do value my "down" time. I've been in situations in the past where I'm always on the go and it makes me a little nuts. So, the challenge is fitting in some kind of physical activity, allowing ample time to cook a healthy meal, AND having some time to unwind before my geriatric bedtime of 10:00pm. Derek and I have decided that we're going to start with powering through some of the workout DVDs we have as soon as we get home from work (which is usually between 6:00-6:15), then cook and eat dinner, and then we have the rest of the night to relax/recover.
-- Utilize that gym membership I'm paying for. Derek and I joined Planet Fitness a couple years ago, and as a whole, as far as gyms go, I like it. No frills, nothing fancy, and as they call it, a "no judgment zone." They still have a clientele that is more 'gym rat' than I'd prefer, but I've never felt like all eyes were on me, the big girl, and I never felt like someone was silently chuckling when I failed to be able to finish their little circuit training thing. Going to the gym in the evenings after work was always hard to do because it felt like we weren't getting home until like 8, and then we still have to cook dinner. Nevermind any hopes of relaxing before bed. So, I think our plan, for now, is to try to get back to the gym on weekends. We already get up really effing early (thank you, internal clock!) so why not be more productive with that time? Get up, go to the gym, then start the day. This could work. Also, I work half days from home on Fridays, so if I can come up with the courage, I could go to the gym in the early afternoon. This may work because there's probably not many people there. Definitely something to keep in mind.
So there you have it. This is my plan for getting my butt moving. What do you do to stay active? Any tips for a fitness newbie?
I've joined gyms -- and currently belong to one that I pay for every month but haven't been to in...oh... probably a year or more. Here's the challenge: weight machines and treadmills and ellipticals and stair climbers are so dreadfully boring. Forget the fact that I'm not fit enough to last on any of them for very long... I just get bored to death. No amount of music on my iPod can make them enjoyable.
I know what you're all thinking: try a class! BAHAHAHAHAHA. No. See, the people in those classes? They all weigh like, 90 pounds and have been Zumbaing and yogaing since it became popular. There is not a snowball's chance in Hades that I would want to be seen flopping around in front of these little dears. Besides that, even if I couldn't care less about what I look like (hint: I do!), I can't keep up. These classes aren't meant for beginners, even if they say they are. They're meant for people who can jog a mile without breaking a sweat; for people who don't get winded tying their shoes. That, clearly, is not me.
I read an article about a gym geared solely towards overweight people that have 50+ pounds to lose. There are three locations in the US and I cross my fingers that it takes off and they land here in the good ol' DC metro area. The article didn't mention if they offered classes or not, but those would be the classes I could find myself enjoying. Ones where I'm not the only fatty-fat-fat in the room, and I may even have a leg up because I can, somehow, actually touch my toes (even if I can't always see them. Eek.)
The bottom line here is that I know I need to be more active. I know that even though diet is a large part of getting healthy, I need to exercise. Walking to and from the refrigerator apparently doesn't count. (Beggars can't be choosers, people... gosh!) So, here is what I'm going to try:
-- Walking more just in my day-to-day activity. I sit at my desk most of the day, like many people do, but all too often I'll just shoot someone an email or give them a call instead of swinging by their desk. On one hand, in the office where I work, a lot of people work 'in the field' so they're never in the office to begin with, meaning that phone calls and emails are more practical most of the time, but on the other hand, it doesn't hurt to swing by their desk first before I send that quick note.
-- Getting my butt off the sofa. I'm definitely guilty of coming home from work and just parking my butt on the couch or in front of the computer until it's time to go to bed. This one is the tough one to change because although it may just be the lazy in me, I really do value my "down" time. I've been in situations in the past where I'm always on the go and it makes me a little nuts. So, the challenge is fitting in some kind of physical activity, allowing ample time to cook a healthy meal, AND having some time to unwind before my geriatric bedtime of 10:00pm. Derek and I have decided that we're going to start with powering through some of the workout DVDs we have as soon as we get home from work (which is usually between 6:00-6:15), then cook and eat dinner, and then we have the rest of the night to relax/recover.
-- Utilize that gym membership I'm paying for. Derek and I joined Planet Fitness a couple years ago, and as a whole, as far as gyms go, I like it. No frills, nothing fancy, and as they call it, a "no judgment zone." They still have a clientele that is more 'gym rat' than I'd prefer, but I've never felt like all eyes were on me, the big girl, and I never felt like someone was silently chuckling when I failed to be able to finish their little circuit training thing. Going to the gym in the evenings after work was always hard to do because it felt like we weren't getting home until like 8, and then we still have to cook dinner. Nevermind any hopes of relaxing before bed. So, I think our plan, for now, is to try to get back to the gym on weekends. We already get up really effing early (thank you, internal clock!) so why not be more productive with that time? Get up, go to the gym, then start the day. This could work. Also, I work half days from home on Fridays, so if I can come up with the courage, I could go to the gym in the early afternoon. This may work because there's probably not many people there. Definitely something to keep in mind.
So there you have it. This is my plan for getting my butt moving. What do you do to stay active? Any tips for a fitness newbie?
Sunday, January 6, 2013
The First Post is Always the Hardest...
Alright, internet, I'm at it again.
One of my (many) resolutions for 2013 was to finally start a blog that I could feasibly maintain. I had ideas for two separate blogs, and this is the one I'm going with first. My journey to get healthy.
Great, you're thinking. Another weight-loss blog. Okay, yeah, kinda. Deal with it. I've followed dozens of weight-loss/get-fit blogs and none of them seem to understand me: a short, chronically obese, exercise-challenged 20-something (I'm clinging to the last few months of my twenties for dear life!) with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). So, I figured I'd try my hand at writing something I, at the very least, would want to read.
So without further ado, a bit about me: (This will be long but I'll try to keep the rest of my posts easier to read!)
The Basics and Why I'm Here:
My name is Sarah. I'm 29, with the big 3-0 approaching in about eight months. I'm spunky, silly, sarcastic, and love to make people laugh. I love reading, crafting, baking, and...duh...eating. I've been fat for almost my entire life, the weight piling on shortly after my dad's death when I was five, and spiraling out of control in my 20s. I'm getting married in a little over two months (March 16, 2013) to the love of my life, Derek, and while at this point it's unreasonable to think I'll get anywhere near my goal (I'll get there in a second) by the big day, my objective is to get the ball rolling so that we can live healthily ever after (see what I did there?). Derek and I are both in need of some major lifestyle changes so I hope to chronicle both of our journeys here in an attempt to keep us on the right track.
The Challenges:
I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 26, though the symptoms were apparent long before that. For those not in the know, one of the major indicators of PCOS is being overweight, with weight concentrated in the abdominal region. Very much describes me. One of the biggest hurdles of PCOS is that it is incredibly, extremely hard to lose weight. Also very much describes me.
Also, I. Hate. Exercise. I'm willing to admit that it's probably because of my current size (again, I'll get there in a minute), but most forms of exercise just don't seem fun, which makes me shudder at the thought of actually doing them. There are a few things that look interesting and that I'd love to try, but my current weight makes it hard to get moving, so my goal is to lose a little bit of weight by emphasizing changing my eating habits and just moving a little more than usual, and then, once it's comfortable, I'll step up my game.
My Goals:
Derek and I both turn 30 in September, and his parents very graciously have decided that they want to send us on a trip to DisneyWorld. Honestly, I don't know how to thank them enough for this, but I would like to start by actually being able to enjoy it. This comes in two parts:
1) I've never been on an airplane before, and this would be my first time. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid of flying -- I'm afraid of the embarrassment of not fitting in the seat. Derek has tried to assuage my fears, as a seasoned flier, but I know that the only way I'll get rid of the fear is to know that I have nothing to worry about because my ass is no longer gargantuan and is, in fact, average-sized, and;
2) The last time I was at DisneyWorld was in 2006 when five of my sorority sisters and I roadtripped to Orlando to spend spring break with Mickey and Minnie. I remember being miserably hot and tired from all the walking around, not to mention the discomfort of some of the rides... and I was a good 20 pounds lighter then. I want to enjoy this trip -- likely the first one post-honeymoon that I will take with my husband.
The (Current) Stats:
This is what you've been waiting for (and also what I've been most nervous to announce to theworld 3 people who randomly happen upon my blog):
Current Weight: (as of 1/5/2013): 287.5
Height: 5'4"
Highest Weight: 298.8 in June 2012
Lowest (Adult) Weight: 259.4 in June 2008
Goal #1: 250 by September 1, 2013 (which is a little over a pound a week)
Goal #2: 199 by March 16, 2014 - our 1st wedding anniversary -- (about a pound and a half a week)
Goal #3: 165 by September 24, 2014 - my 31st birthday -- (still about a pound and a half per week)
A sort of 'before' photo, for good measure:
And finally:
One of my (many) resolutions for 2013 was to finally start a blog that I could feasibly maintain. I had ideas for two separate blogs, and this is the one I'm going with first. My journey to get healthy.
Great, you're thinking. Another weight-loss blog. Okay, yeah, kinda. Deal with it. I've followed dozens of weight-loss/get-fit blogs and none of them seem to understand me: a short, chronically obese, exercise-challenged 20-something (I'm clinging to the last few months of my twenties for dear life!) with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). So, I figured I'd try my hand at writing something I, at the very least, would want to read.
So without further ado, a bit about me: (This will be long but I'll try to keep the rest of my posts easier to read!)
The Basics and Why I'm Here:
My name is Sarah. I'm 29, with the big 3-0 approaching in about eight months. I'm spunky, silly, sarcastic, and love to make people laugh. I love reading, crafting, baking, and...duh...eating. I've been fat for almost my entire life, the weight piling on shortly after my dad's death when I was five, and spiraling out of control in my 20s. I'm getting married in a little over two months (March 16, 2013) to the love of my life, Derek, and while at this point it's unreasonable to think I'll get anywhere near my goal (I'll get there in a second) by the big day, my objective is to get the ball rolling so that we can live healthily ever after (see what I did there?). Derek and I are both in need of some major lifestyle changes so I hope to chronicle both of our journeys here in an attempt to keep us on the right track.
The Challenges:
I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 26, though the symptoms were apparent long before that. For those not in the know, one of the major indicators of PCOS is being overweight, with weight concentrated in the abdominal region. Very much describes me. One of the biggest hurdles of PCOS is that it is incredibly, extremely hard to lose weight. Also very much describes me.
Also, I. Hate. Exercise. I'm willing to admit that it's probably because of my current size (again, I'll get there in a minute), but most forms of exercise just don't seem fun, which makes me shudder at the thought of actually doing them. There are a few things that look interesting and that I'd love to try, but my current weight makes it hard to get moving, so my goal is to lose a little bit of weight by emphasizing changing my eating habits and just moving a little more than usual, and then, once it's comfortable, I'll step up my game.
My Goals:
Derek and I both turn 30 in September, and his parents very graciously have decided that they want to send us on a trip to DisneyWorld. Honestly, I don't know how to thank them enough for this, but I would like to start by actually being able to enjoy it. This comes in two parts:
1) I've never been on an airplane before, and this would be my first time. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid of flying -- I'm afraid of the embarrassment of not fitting in the seat. Derek has tried to assuage my fears, as a seasoned flier, but I know that the only way I'll get rid of the fear is to know that I have nothing to worry about because my ass is no longer gargantuan and is, in fact, average-sized, and;
2) The last time I was at DisneyWorld was in 2006 when five of my sorority sisters and I roadtripped to Orlando to spend spring break with Mickey and Minnie. I remember being miserably hot and tired from all the walking around, not to mention the discomfort of some of the rides... and I was a good 20 pounds lighter then. I want to enjoy this trip -- likely the first one post-honeymoon that I will take with my husband.
The (Current) Stats:
This is what you've been waiting for (and also what I've been most nervous to announce to the
Current Weight: (as of 1/5/2013): 287.5
Height: 5'4"
Highest Weight: 298.8 in June 2012
Lowest (Adult) Weight: 259.4 in June 2008
Goal #1: 250 by September 1, 2013 (which is a little over a pound a week)
Goal #2: 199 by March 16, 2014 - our 1st wedding anniversary -- (about a pound and a half a week)
Goal #3: 165 by September 24, 2014 - my 31st birthday -- (still about a pound and a half per week)
A sort of 'before' photo, for good measure:
 |
| February 2012: Me and my Hubby-to-Be This was after the first time I tried on wedding gowns -- hence why I look exhausted! |
 |
| July 2012: One of our engagement photos. Close to my highest weight. It's one of Derek's favorites but I prefer the ones that don't show so much of my tummy! |
 |
| July 2012: Another engagement photo: This is one of the ones I'll actually tolerate. |
And finally:
How I'm Gonna Get There:
I'm back on WeightWatchers for the umpteenth time. I've jumped on and fallen off the wagon more times than I can count, but it's the one program I know inside and out (even with all the new crap they keep adding!), and any success I've ever had with losing weight has been on WW. I'm sticking with what I know, for now. With this blog, in addition to tracking my progress, and clearing my head, I'll share any cool recipes I find, as I'm constantly on the hunt for healthy-but-not-boring meals to entice me to cook instead of running to the Taco Bell drive thru!
In June 2012, I was put on Metformin to help 'treat' PCOS. There's no real treatment for it, but studies have shown that Metformin, which is primarily used for diabetes, can help PCOS sufferers lose weight (in addition to a healthy diet and exercise, of course) and alleviate some of the other symptoms -- which I'll share another time, maybe.
Slowly but surely, I'm going to up my activity levels. I don't want to overdo it too soon, because at this point even long walks make me hurt. (Ugh, seriously? I'm ashamed that I had to just write that!) I recently bought a FitBit One and am using it to motivate me to move more. So far, it's working -- I've been eager to reach my meager 7500 steps per day, and I'm even more eager to up that goal to 10k and above! Once I'm a little more comfortable moving around, I'd like to try Zumba and other kinds of dancing, and maybe, just maybe, one of these days I'll try jogging (but don't count on it!).
Thanks for reading, and please, feel free to comment! <3
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)