Pissed Off.

It's that time of week where I promised myself that I would weigh-in and then update my blog with my latest status. This week, I don't really want to, but I will. (I told you I wasn't going to hide anything, so...)

Starting Weight: 290.3
Last Week: 287.5
This Week: 288.8
Net Loss: +1.3 (yes, that would be a #@!$&ing gain!)
Loss-to-Date: -1.5

To say that I'm pissed off would be the understatement of the century. I'm used to having gains on the scale, obviously, but every time this has happened in the past I could say "Yeah, I shouldn't have gone to McDonald's twice this week", or at the very least, I had some inkling as to why the number went up.

This week, I have no fucking clue. I tracked everything. I ate carefully. We cooked every night except last night, which was date night.... but I still calculated for it and it was still within my points. I ate a little bit of candy but tracked it. Still within my points. I've been drinking like a gallon of water a day. No soda, no coffee, no juice. Just water. My FitBit numbers have progressively gone up this week -- more steps, more flights of stairs, more calories burned.

I really don't know what happened, and it makes me so, so sad. This? This is precisely why I've quit so many times in the past. One gain (especially the unexplained ones) and I say 'screw it' and quit. I know I can't do that now, but I threw my hands up in the air the minute I read the number on the scale this morning.

How could this happen?! How am I ever going to get to my 1.5lb/week goal if I'm GAINING that much? Next week I'm going to have to lose like 3 pounds to get myself to a net 1.5lb/week average. That may not sound bad to most people but with PCOS that may as well be 30 pounds in one week.

I really want to cry. I want to cry and then stuff my face with some chicken nuggets and french fries. The only thing that could make this worse is if Derek has lost this week (he's still asleep... he hasn't weighed in yet). I know it sounds shitty to say it, but Derek and I have eaten the same food all week. If he lost anything, it'll just be a reminder of how screwed up I am and how broken my body is. More evidence that there's no fighting this; I'll be a fatso for life. Ugh. :(

In other news, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It had been a very, very long time since I'd been to a doctor, but I knew that I had to get in to see someone to get myself started on this road the right way. For the most part, this was just an appointment to establish me as a new patient with this practice, but I did get some quasi-useful information.

I met with a Nurse Practitioner named Nancy. When we first started talking she kind of rubbed me the wrong way but by the end of the appointment I realized that I actually really like her. I had to run through a lengthy questionnaire of my medical history, but after that we talked about my weight issues (which I had indicated as what I wanted to discuss).

What I liked is that after I told her about my PCOS, what I'm currently doing (and the acknowledgement that I can still do better), and that I know what I'm supposed to be doing, she didn't lecture me. She didn't chastise me for being fat or not moving enough (I told her I wear a pedometer every day and she told me my daily goal should be 5000 steps per day -- she was happy when I told her my personal goal is 7500 even though I haven't gotten there yet), and she didn't lecture me on what foods I should eat and what I shouldn't.

What she did do, however, and what I've never had ANYONE do, much less a doctor, is acknowledge that it isn't just me. I'm not in denial, I'm not just lazy, I'm not necessarily doing it wrong. This is biological. My body is working against me. She drew me a diagram of how insulin-resistance works -- the kind that PCOS creates, which leads to diabetes -- and to put it shortly, showed me how PCOS is essentially making it impossible for me to lose weight.

We talked about my Metformin, and she's of the strict opinion that I'm not on a high enough dose. She questioned why my gynecologist bothered to put me on it at all because it's a low dose and it's not the "extended release" variety. I'm taking 500mg twice a day, and Nancy said that the non-XR variety is only effective for about 4-6 hours. The XR tablets work for 24 hours. So I'd only have to take it once per day (which would definitely help me actually remember to take it!).

Since my appointment was at 2:30 in the afternoon, she told me to come back any time this coming week to do some bloodwork so that we could get my fasting blood glucose. (Obviously at 2:30, I'd already eaten that day). She's also testing my lipids, my A1C, and my thyroid. Her suspicion is that I'm pre-diabetic, but once we have official test results, we'll move forward with upping my Metformin dosage and whatever else seems necessary.

She mentioned that she has a patient who has lost 200 pounds with Metformin (and diet and exercise, of course). I wanted to get excited about it but then I remembered that I'm not anyone else. I have to just keep doing what I'm doing and not ride on someone else's success.

All in all, it was a good appointment and I left feeling like I made some headway in getting a good baseline to get this weight off.

And then I weigh in this morning and it flies right out the window.

I think I'll go curl up on the couch and pout until Derek wakes up.